


Take Me As I Am

by HuntressFirefall



Series: Finding Love In These Scars [3]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, CSA/SA Survivors please beware of Chapter 5, Canonical Rape/Non-con, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Triggers, in reference to Ash's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-07-21 00:20:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16148624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuntressFirefall/pseuds/HuntressFirefall
Summary: After more than a decade of holding back the actual depth of his feelings for Eiji, Ash finds they can no longer be contained and his physical attraction no longer denied. But expressing those feelings freely means overcoming his past abuse, and Ash hopes it's a test both he and Eiji can pass.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will be adding tags to this fic per chapter/as needed. With consideration to Ash's canon past in the manga, this story may be triggering for some as his memories are unearthed. I would advise double checking the tags with each chapter, and I'll do my best to warn of anything potentially upsetting in the beginning notes as well.
> 
> As with the other stories in this series, there may be spoilers for the manga/anime referenced.

The little boy known as Aslan Jade Callenreese had always enjoyed the change of seasons in Cape Cod. Though he could only remember a few of them fondly, he had always loved the heavy snows in winter, when he would play outside with his big brother Griffin, making snowmen and snow forts and having snowball fights. He hadn't gone to school there long, but just long enough to know what it meant when Griffin would bundle him back up in bed and tell him to go back to sleep because it was a snow day.

Spring always started out sloppy and messy. Ugly brown snowpiles melting and exposing all the junk that got shoved around by the snowplows all winter. Floods that made everything a muddy mess. But eventually, there would be that first day where Griff would throw open all the windows and the air smelled fresh after the house had been sealed up all winter against the cold. It felt like a rebirth sometimes, especially if the winter had been rough – which for them, on their own together, it almost always was.

Little Aslan loved summer. Swimming, baseball (until it wasn't fun anymore). Spending time with Griffin outside at night, looking up at the stars and listening attentively as Griff pointed out all the constellations – it was why he could still remember all of them now. Thunderstorms scared him sometimes, but if Griff was there and not working at his job in town they'd watch them together out of the upstairs windows of the house they shared, and Aslan felt safe enough to cheer and high-five his big brother for the biggest thunderclaps and the brightest, most impressive lightning bolts. After all, Griff said, there was nothing to be afraid of, because it was just the angels bowling.

Before he was old enough that Autumn meant school, Aslan looked forward to it. He loved how the world changed from endless expanses of green to a patchwork of colors brighter than the crayons in the boxes of them that Griff would buy for him every time he'd wear them down to nubs. Griff would rake up the leaves, then stand outside on one of the last warm days where the windows could still be open and proclaim loudly, “Ah, I'm finally done with all this raking! I sure hope no one comes and jumps in these piles and makes more work for me!” and that was Aslan's cue to come flying out of the house at top speed and dive right into them. Sometimes he got surprised by the odd bird or creepy spider that had gotten buried in the piles, but as long as Griff was there, he knew he was safe.

Eventually, life changed very quickly once Griffin was gone, and the world turned into a blur of things that a child should never have to understand. And in a big city, where trees were replaced by a forest of giant buildings, where grass only grew between the cracks of the sidewalk and struggled to poke through the brownfields left by burned out or torn down buildings changes of seasons no longer mattered, especially when you grew up in dark rooms with even darker company.

Ash Lynx had never realized how much of himself he'd lost, and how little he took in and paid attention to the world around him, until he'd rebooted his life in Tokyo. It took killing off the first two humans he'd been and morphing into his third identity, Michael Paul Blanca, to learn to appreciate it.

For a long time after his arrival, Ash couldn't shake who he'd been enough to venture farther than the convenience store near the tiny apartment he'd rented or the thrift stores a few blocks away for clothes. He'd started small so as not to attract attention, even though he could afford much more even then. Every time he'd erased another part of his past with a touch of the enter button or click of a mouse, he'd felt a bit stronger. It had taken a year to finally feel safe enough to explore and when he did, he realized it was everything and nothing like New York City.

Central Park had been an oasis in New York, and a place that Ash hadn't gone to much. Too much open space made him an easy target, especially in those final few years. But the first time he'd gotten on a Tokyo train and misread the signs with his barely-beginner-level Japanese, he took a wrong turn and rather than a city street, he found himself at the entrance to a long, wide walkway leading into a gigantic park. He'd followed it, wandering aimlessly among the towering old trees until he'd come to the giant torii gate. He stood looking up at in in awe for several minutes, then noticed that many who walked through it paused to bow. Wanting to fit in and feeling the obvious need to be respectful he did the same; walking further in he found himself on the grounds of the Meiji Shrine, the first shrine he'd ever seen in person.

A friendly, older Japanese man who spoke a decent amount of English saw him looking bewildered and took him under his wing, explaining everything to him right down to the need to wash his hands before entering and the proper way to do so, and also the proper way to speak with the gods. Ash asked if they'd hear him all the way in Izumo; of course, the man assured him with a smile.

Ash had been overcome with emotion after that. The man was nothing, and everything, like Eiji. Gentle, helpful, and refusing to take anything in return for being so. “Sometimes you cannot find peace unless someone shows you the way,” the man had said. He'd made sure Ash knew how to get home before taking his leave. _You have no idea,_ Ash had said to himself as he'd watched the man walk away until he'd grown so small on his walk back to the entrance he finally disappeared.

That night as he lay in bed Ash sobbed his heart out, finally allowing himself to grieve having to leave Eiji, the only true peace his soul had ever felt, behind.

 

  


“--sh. Ash! Earth to Ash!”

Ash blinked back out of the deep trip back into memories he'd pushed to the darkest corners of his mind into the present, eyes refocusing on the riotous autumnal colors of Yoyogi Park. Eiji had returned with their matcha lattes, sitting down on the bench and holding out Ash's cup to him.

“Are you all right?” Eiji asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” Ash said as he took the drink, wrapping his gloved hands around the cup. After the brutally hot summer they'd had, November's mid-50s temperatures and light breeze felt chilly, though pleasingly so. “I just haven't been back here in a really long time. Like... about a year after I came here.”

“When you found Meiji?” Eiji asked.

Ash nodded as he sipped his drink. “I wish I'd asked the man who helped me what his name was. But I didn't want to seem clingy or creepy at the time. Maybe I was afraid he'd be like all the other old men I'd met, who wanted something in return after all. I didn't know what to think of it, you know? It just wasn't something I was used to.”

“Usually people keep to themselves here, but sometimes people enjoy being helpful, especially if they speak English well enough to be,” Eiji said. “We learn it in school and usually can read and understand it, but speaking it in return can be tough.”

“Is that why yours wasn't great?” Ash asked.

Eiji nodded. “Yeah, I just never had a reason to use it in a speaking capacity until I came to New York. I'd done some pole vaulting competitions outside of Japan, but the team usually had an interpreter if we needed it.”

Ash grew quiet then, and Eiji took the cue to do so as well. Since the run-in with Yut-Lung back in the last days of summer, Eiji had noticed Ash becoming more pensive. In the time since they'd been reunited it was a periodic event for them both as they processed the past, but they'd both had a lot more to deal with that had been unearthed since.

Once they were finished with their lattes they resumed their walk, veering off the main pathway to wander through the quieter trails. Around them the trees were filled with a periodic light breeze that would send a shower of vibrant leaves fluttering down, almost fluorescent in the afternoon sun. Ash watched as Eiji stepped off the path, weaving in between a few trees to get some photos of a pair of busy squirrels who were foraging around, leaping playfully and chasing each other. The sun's dappled patterns played over Eiji as he walked in further, his nearly waist-length, glossy black hair tied in a loose ponytail, a few errant strands of bangs dancing in the breeze. Eiji turned his camera's attention to the trees when the squirrels decided they didn't approve of company and scampered up into the branches, sending a few leaves fluttering down. Ash watched from where he leaned against a tree that was nearer to the path, smiling softly as Eiji had no issues finding a million things to make into another perfect shot that would be mounted and sold at the next artist exhibition he'd enter. Ash's lips then curled into a smile as Eiji burst into laughter when the squirrels came careening down the tree and flew across his path, startling him with their antics and tossing up some of the carpet of leaves at his feet.

_I never thought you could be any more beautiful, yet here we are._

Ash blinked as the thought wove its way through his mind. It had been happening more often of late. When they'd met more than a decade ago, Ash had only given himself fleeting moments to notice how beautiful Eiji was. He'd focused more on the other's presence then, the feelings his calming aura had given him as both of their worlds were blown to pieces. Ash knew what it meant to fall for someone back then. It had been why he'd kept trying to make Eiji go back to Japan, why he'd told Eiji then that he could never have a relationship with someone from the straight world.

Even when they'd reunited, at first Ash had felt the same, afraid to let himself love. But as they grew stronger together, their lives intertwining as they worked toward achieving their dream of opening the izakaya, Ash had finally allowed himself that happiness. The first time he'd kissed Eiji (a real kiss, not the fake one he'd given him in a long-ago, best-forgotten time) was when they'd returned home from closing the deal on the purchase of the building. They'd been growing closer since, the ensuing time bringing their affections to the surface.

Ash had said to Eiji when they had first spent time together back in New York upon his return (from the dead, he supposed) that he wasn't sure he could give him anything more than his heart. Eiji had been fine with that, content to share long embraces, languid kisses, sleepy snuggles, the occasional tickle fight once Ash had found Eiji's weak spots (and Eiji gave as good as he got upon finding the same about Ash). But as they'd opened up to each other even more about their pasts, the words flowing out of the hole that Yut-Lung's brief reappearance in their lives had punched in their shields, Ash had found himself wondering if he did have more to give. He'd found himself more often than not enjoying Eiji's presence in a much more physical sense. Holding him felt almost too good. Being held by him was bliss. With the weight he'd been carrying finally shed after that chance encounter, even Eiji's kisses had become more playful at times, teasing, and Ash would pull him close, wanting more, which Eiji never refused, even if he did tease him about it sometimes.

But as usual, as he always had, Eiji would always understand when Ash would pull back, feeling uncertain for a myriad of reasons. But sometimes, even if the bedroom was dim with the light of early morning, Ash would see the flash of sadness across Eiji's face. Not disappointment. Sadness, because of what Eiji knew of Ash's past. And in the blink of an eye that sadness was replaced with understanding, kindness, patience. Eiji was healing, and wanted more, but he would ask Ash for nothing he wasn't ready to give, even if it meant sacrificing his own feelings... or even his own needs.

Ash watched Eiji disappear for a moment behind a tree, having wandered away a bit farther still; he could just barely hear the swish of Eiji's feet as he waded through the carpet of fallen leaves. Returning to his view a few moments later Eiji made his way back toward Ash with a peaceful smile, a few leaves fluttering down around him as he approached... and once again Ash's heart swelled to almost bursting at the realization that there were many more steps his life with Eiji could take now, more milestones to reach, more moments of happiness to share – all with this beautiful soul that always walked toward him and never ran away, even when by all rights, he should have.

“What are you grinning a fool about?” Eiji laughed as he stopped before Ash, cheeks flushed in the chilly air, deep brown eyes sparkling in a patchwork bit of sun that broke through the branches above them, playing over his face and hair.

“How lucky I am,” Ash said.

“For?” Eiji replied as he packed his camera into his backpack, shouldering it on over the thick, deep blue cable-knit sweater he wore.

“To have you. To have all this. To have us,” Ash replied as he reached for Eiji's hand, fingers lacing together.

The flush over Eiji's cheeks grew a bit more as they returned to the main pathway. “Well, I'm happy too,” he replied.

Ash paused a moment, glancing around to find no one immediately near. The one thing he'd noticed the most about Tokyo was that there weren't a lot of outward displays of affection; in fact it was somewhat frowned upon. But right now, Ash was pretty sure if he didn't kiss Eiji, he was going to explode. Leaning in tentatively he found himself smiling into the kiss that Eiji readily accepted, with Eiji giving Ash's hand a squeeze once they both moved back from each other.

“Come on, I'm hungry,” Eiji smiled. “And since Ryuzo's holding down the izakaya for the evening, I think we should make the most of our night off.”

“Curry is sounding really good right now,” Ash agreed.

“Ooooooh I like the way you think,” Eiji grinned, pulling him toward the main pathway by the hand. Ash followed, unable to contain the laughter that spilled out as Eiji, being his usual dorky self, got much too excited about curry.

Ash felt that same swell of emotion in his chest yet again. All it took was that laugh, that smile, those eyes, that voice chattering on about how all Japanese food is good for you and that they were lucky to have their favorite place not too far away. In fact, it didn't matter what that voice even said. As long as Ash could hear it, it was always his favorite song.

And in that moment, Ash decided he was ready to conquer those fears he'd been wrestling with, ready to leave those old demons behind him as best he could. He'd spent the greater part of his life so far being forced to lose the most sacred part of himself to those that didn't deserve it. He knew in his heart it would be difficult to learn how to give of it willingly; at the same time he'd fought harder for less in his life. But Eiji deserved the entire world, his entire being.

Ash Lynx had always believed he was too broken to ever be healed. But now, he realized, all it took to wipe that notion away like the leaves swirling in the wind around them, was the completely selfless love of the right person to cradle his soul within their own and give him time to mend, to grow stronger, to have a reason to want more and believe it was possible.

And for the first time, though the very thought of it was at once empowering and terrifying, Ash was ready to do whatever he needed to, to bridge the final gap between himself and the one person he knew he could trust with everything he was. It was true that he might never be completely healed, might never be the perfect lover that he believed Eiji deserved, the one he was certain he knew nothing of how to be. But he knew that whatever version of himself he ended up with when the wounds were closed and the scars revealed, Eiji would accept him.

And for Ash, that was the only reason he needed to begin the journey forward.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash finds out that sometimes, things happen when they're meant to and not necessarily when one deems themselves ready for them. He also has no problem with the concept, all things considered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there's anything too major to note, but there are references to Ash's past abuse and his mentioning of people wanting sex in return for things. Just putting it here to be safe. :)

Ash and Eiji returned home after dinner, continuing their night off (Ash had been playfully calling it a date, just to see Eiji blush) with a movie on the couch, wrapped in a blanket with Buddy curled next to them. Taking the two slowest days of the week for the izakaya off, Sunday and Monday, was a new concept for the both of them, but while Ash was already rather used to and enjoying it, Eiji was having a bit more of a hard time adjusting. Ash had to stop Eiji from calling to check on how things were going more than once – they both knew full well Ryuzo, and the cook they'd hired, Junji, were much more than capable of running the place exactly as they did, but it didn't stop Eiji from worrying that they were working too hard due to being worried about what their bosses would say about their work.

Once the movie was done the pair stayed snuggled together, both scrolling on their phones and Eiji paying a bit of attention to Buddy, who'd woken up from his nap and moved over for head scratches. As he watched Eiji out of the corner of his eye Ash delved back into this thoughts from earlier in the day, beginning to wrestle with them. On one hand, their life together so far had been almost too easy, especially considering its beginnings. There was a time when Ash was pretty sure what was happening now was completely impossible (and would have never happened at all if it hadn't been for Sing). He was afraid to disrupt the easy routines and rhythms they'd settled into together. It almost felt dangerous to upset the balance. They'd been fine without being intimate, hadn't they? The times like this were more than fulfilling: safe, warm, perfect...

_Safe._ That's what it was about, after all, Ash realized. He'd always wanted to keep Eiji safe, shelter him from everything in the world he'd been living in, and especially the hell he'd grown up with. He remembered when, during one of the conversations they'd had after the meeting with Yut-Lung, Eiji had opened up and told him for the first time about how close he'd come to Golzine doing  _that_ to him. Eiji had blocked it from his memory from back then until seeing Yut-Lung again had brought it to the surface. Ash had been filled first with revulsion, then anger at himself for letting it happen, for leaving Eiji's side. But now, there was a difference in what Ash wanted to keep Eiji safe from: From his own past, his own fears.

It was at that moment that Ash realized he wasn't even certain if he knew how to equate sexual acts with anything but what he'd been through. He was trying to keep Eiji safe from something that wasn't even a question in their world as it was now. Between the two of them, whatever happened would be consensual. Ash had never had a chance to be intimate with someone he actually loved. Any time he'd had sex after he'd escaped Golzine's abuse, there had always been strings attached. In a way, it had never been willingly even though he'd submitted. It was a means of survival, protection for others he cared for, remittance of a debt. Something he _had_ to do, but not what he _wanted._

He looked over at Eiji again, his profile lit softly by the lamps in the room as he read his book, and came to the realization that he wasn't sure he even had the capability to give Eiji everything he wanted to. Ash knew nothing about intimacy with someone he loved. All he knew was how to allow it for someone else's needs, and how to shut his mind off while it happened.

Eiji deserved better.

Maybe it was best if he dropped the idea, Ash mused. He would most likely be a spectacular failure at doing what he needed to do, and there was no telling what it would do to their relationship as it stood. And hell if he wanted to lose whatever they did have...

“Ash?”

He was so deep into the swirling quagmire of his thoughts that Eiji's voice startled him, shoulders jolting. He wasn't sure when he'd buried his face in his hand, elbow propped on the arm of the couch. He also didn't realize he'd been crying. Wiping at his eyes, he looked over to see Eiji's face a mask of concern.

“What is it? What's wrong?” Eiji asked.

“Noth--”

“Don't say it's nothing.”

Ash took a deep breath, exhaling sharply. “I... don't even know how to start.”

Eiji moved closer, pressing his side to Ash's as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Just talk. Even if you ramble, you'll end up finding the right words.”

Ash searched his mind for a reasonable way to begin as he calmed down. Finally, he met Eiji's eyes.

“First... tell me... did you have anyone in your life while you were on your own in New York?”

Eiji's eyes closed partially as he processed the question; Ash could see him searching for the words to answer.

“There was someone, for a little while. We worked together at the photography studio, where we both taught classes. He and I got pretty close, and were kind of together for a while.”

“How... how far did it go?”

Eiji's face flushed in response. “Not... not all the way. We messed around.” A pause as he searched for more accurate words. “Mutual... pleasure. It was good... but in the end that's all it was about, the physical... for him, anyway. Once I told him that I was developing feelings for him, he started ghosting me because he'd gotten a different job by then, and wasn't working at the studio anymore. I came to find out he'd moved to Los Angeles from a mutual friend a few months later. I don't know if he backed off because he knew he was leaving, or if he just didn't want more than what we had. But either way, he should have been honest. When I found out he was gone, I stopped caring about the why.”

“Sounds like he used you,” Ash said, trying not to let too much of the anger he was feeling color his tone. _Who the hell would drop someone as amazing as you?_

Eiji shrugged. “Who knows. I really don't care about his motives now. The only thing it did give me was a little experience, I guess. I learned a bit about myself in that way.”

“So that was the only time?”

Eiji nodded. “Yeah. It wasn't a huge deal... I never even told Sing about it. He had gone to China for two semesters of college, and it happened while he was away. After that, I decided I'd rather be alone than have to deal with something like it happening again.”

Ash was quiet for a bit, the hand he'd been using to prop his head moving down to cradle his chin in thought.

“But what does that have to do with why you were crying?” Eiji finally asked.

Ash sighed heavily again. “I guess I just wanted to know... what you might... want, someday.”

Eiji blinked, at first not understanding, then his face softened at the realization. “I've told you before Ash. I know it would be difficult for you, and I would never ask anything of you that you weren't completely sure about or comfortable with.”

“That's the thing. Even if I am sure, even if I am comfortable, even if I want to... I still have this black cloud over me. I still have a ton of shit that will inform everything I do. And at the same time... if I never try, if I never get through it and kick those demons' asses and get them to shut the fuck up and let me _live_... I'll never know what it's like to do it for myself, to be with someone because I want to and I love them... to be with _you.”_

Eiji's face faded into an expression of sadness then. “Oh Ash... It's all right... I don't need--”

“I'm not so sure of that,” Ash said, his tone gentle. “You don't act like it sometimes, even if you don't realize it. There's times... I'm pretty sure you've wanted more, and stopped yourself because of me.” Eiji's head bowing slightly, eyes casting down to his own hands, was all the confirmation Ash needed. He turned silent again, deciding not to press Eiji further; it was for that reason that Eiji's eventual response surprised him.

“I can't lie and say that since we've been together, my feelings haven't grown up along with the rest of me,” Eiji said. “At first it was like we were before. Caring deeply about each other, not really having a name for what we had but in retrospect, I think we both know it was love, and we know it's love now. Maybe if I hadn't had that little bit of experience, I wouldn't feel like I do sometimes with you... I'd have been fine as we were back then. But sometimes... things start to feel good and I...”

“I know. I've been feeling that way too.” Ash's words caused Eiji's face to raise to his in an almost startled motion, eyes a bit wider than normal, eyebrows slightly raised even as another flush crossed his face.

“I've never had a chance to do it because I wanted to, or do it with, someone because I wanted to... because I wanted _them._ I only ever felt like that about someone one time before... with the girl I told you about. But we never got the chance. And... to be honest, I don't know how I'll react at first. I don't know how it will be. I can't promise I won't be afraid... in fact, I _am_ afraid of what my mind will do, what I'll feel like. But more than any of that I'm afraid that whatever I am able to do, however far I end up being able to go... that it won't be enough for you. That it won't be what you deserve to have, that I won't be good enough because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or how to do it and--”

The avalanche of words and emotions that Ash had just started to feel he wouldn't be able to contain was suddenly cut short by Eiji moving forward and taking Ash's face in his hands, tears welling up in his own eyes.

“Ash... it doesn't matter. Whatever happens, will happen because it needs to. I'm just afraid that maybe I'm not the one that should be trying to help you... maybe before we try, you need to see someone, talk about this...”

“I don't... I can't... I don't want to talk about it with anyone else. I know you're not equipped to deal with everything. But I just... I don't want to talk to a stranger. You've always been able to understand me, to put things in perspective, to accept me no matter what, to take me as I am without any pretenses or rules. I just... I think I need to do this my own way, and the only way out is through, you know? It just... I don't know how the beginning will be. I don't want you feeling like... I don't even know the words...”

Ash knew the moment Eiji's lips started curling into that mischievous smirk that he was about to pull off one of his masterful breaking-of-the-tension moments, but what came out surprised even him.

“It's okay. There's always my hand and internet pictures of naked pretty boys.”

Ash blinked, and just like that he burst into hysterical laughter as Eiji feigned innocence.

“What the _fuck_ Eiji!!!” Ash laughed. “Oh my god you did _not_ just say that!”

“What? I mean... a guy's gotta do what he needs to you know?”

Ash sprang forward and pounced on Eiji, knocking him back onto the couch and causing Buddy to jump off in confusion. The swirling emotions in Ash's head manifested into a few minutes of tickling Eiji mercilessly, with Ash not knowing what he loved about it more: The hilariously squeaky laughter that happened whenever he tickled Eiji, or the feel of him squirming under his hands, under his body as he straddled him.

It was the latter thought that made him back off, with Eiji still giggling as he fought to catch his breath. It was the same yet again: whenever things got physical, Ash's mind was moving closer to thoughts about Eiji that were clearly signs of desire. As Eiji's hands reached for Ash's thighs presumably to begin round two Ash caught them up, pinning them to the couch cushion on either side of Eiji's head with a playful smirk of his own.

“The least you could do is be looking at naked pictures of me,” Ash growled through his grin.

“Let me take some and I will,” Eiji countered.

Something in Eiji's voice at that moment caused Ash to nearly flinch at the feeling that ran through him. Eiji's teasing, his being a little shit even back then, had always riled something in Ash. During those long-ago days, he wasn't sure exactly what it was or why, but even in their arguments, Ash had gotten a rush out of the way Eiji challenged him without question.

But now he was all grown up, and he realized, in retrospect, what it had been, and what it was now, and it spurred him forward. In that moment, Ash decided to finally follow through on what he was feeling, to jump in head first, fears and doubts be damned.

The passion in Ash's sudden kiss wasn't what surprised Eiji in that moment. It was the extra spark that was added by the feel of Ash still keeping his hands pinned, however lightly, that pulled the soft moan from Eiji's throat. Ash liked what he heard and continued, pressing more firmly into Eiji's lips until they parted, their tongues teasing each other's for a moment before he pulled back for air.

Ash's eyes focused on Eiji's very flushed face, the tendrils of glossy black hair messy around his head as it splayed over the couch cushion.

“Fuck, you're beautiful,” Ash said softly, his voice an almost husky purr. Eiji squirmed slightly under him in response, his hands closing into loose fists as Ash still held his wrists pinned.

“Well... you are too... always have been...” Eiji stammered, seeming taken aback by Ash's demeanor; it was enough to give Ash pause, realizing it was a side of him that Eiji had never really seen. Hell, Ash didn't even know where all of this was coming from. _Fuck. Don't scare him, Ash. If it was you, you'd be terrified..._

Ash took a deep breath, shaking his head a bit to clear it. It brought his mind back into focus, but it didn't change what his body was feeling. And then Eiji's hips shifted under him and it was Ash's turn to flush, at which Eiji couldn't help but smirk again.

“Well now we've done it. We're both going to need those pictures,” Eiji teased.

“No,” Ash said softly. “I want you to show me what you learned.”

Eiji blinked.

“I mean it.”

Another long pause. Finally, Eiji found his voice again. “Ash... are... are you sure?”

Ash felt his heart swell at the deep concern in Eiji's expression, brown eyes searching Ash's own, so worried about being absolutely certain this was what he wanted.

“I know... it feels out of left field,” Ash said, “but it's really not... I've been feeling like this for a while now, and I don't think I can sort it out any more than I already have. I just... I need to try... I want to, because I honestly don't know how much longer I can deny this, even if it scares the hell out of me.”

Eiji nodded then, pulling in his lower lip to nibble at it for a moment as he tried to sort out his own thoughts. “As long as you're sure,” he said softly. “I want you to be sure about this... I don't want you doing it just because you think it's what I need.”

“I can't say that's not some of it too,” Ash replied. “But right now, at this moment... I need you, and I want to try.”

Another pause, but Ash could see by Eiji's eyes that he was suitably convinced; a moment later, there was that same playful smirk.

“Well you have to let me up if we're going to the bedroom,” Eiji chided gently.

“Oh... yeah. That would help.” Ash released Eiji's wrists, even though he'd been holding them so lightly Eiji could have pulled them free if he'd really wanted to. Climbing off of the couch, he looked down at Eiji as he rose, but it was difficult to look past what else was in his view.

Ash was pretty sure it was the first time he'd ever been aroused and actually welcomed it. He couldn't remember a time that his body had reacted as it was meant to that it had been because he wanted it, wanted the person that had caused it. But right now, the thought of being with Eiji was enough to make it difficult to walk for how much his head was spinning; even the feel of their hands entwined together as he allowed himself to be led to the bedroom made him draw in a deep breath.

He walked in as Eiji closed the bedroom door after having to stop Buddy from following them in as he always did, his laughter like music to Ash's ears. He started pulling off his shirt as Eiji turned around to face him.

“Wait,” Eiji said softly as he walked up to Ash. “Let me.”

Ash was so wound up that Eiji's touch was already close to maddening, enough that he squirmed in place as Eiji's hands slipped under the fabric, pushing it up over his head and off. Ash reached to return the favor before Eiji could pull his own shirt off, and as he tossed it aside Eiji stepped in close.

Eiji really should have warned Ash that he was going to begin placing soft kisses over his chest, because Ash's legs almost betrayed him in surprise. He laid his hands on Eiji's shoulders to steady himself, breathing becoming shallow at the feel of fingertips caressing his skin with a gentleness he'd always been certain Eiji was capable of, but hadn't ever thought he'd experience. He could have lived on the feel of Eiji's lips and hands alone, and let him take the lead as he lost all sense of time.

Finally, as Ash started to have difficulty keeping his senses together Eiji moved back, taking both of his hands and walking him over to the bed. Once again palms slid over Ash's skin, this time to gently, carefully, slowly, push the pajama pants he'd been wearing off over his hips until they slid down his legs to the floor. He again returned the favor, leaning down a bit to strip Eiji of the last bit of his own clothes.

“However you're comfortable,” Eiji said to him softly as he reached up, drawing Ash's head down to kiss him softly.

“What do you mean?” Ash replied, tone breathy.

“I didn't want to tell you what to do next...”

Even in the state he was in, Ash's heart nearly burst. “Eiji... you don't have to be afraid to tell me what--”

“No. You choose... that's how I want it to be.”

“I do not want to fucking cry right now, dammit!” Ash said as a few tears welled up and slipped out anyway.

“Shhh. Don't then,” Eiji said. And then, that smirk. “But if you do that perfectly gorgeous boner's going to waste when it deflates.”

As Ash snort-laughed through the tears, he decided this thing that Eiji always did would now forever be known as the Emotional Slingshot.

“All right all right,” Ash said as he climbed on the bed, lying down on his back. Before he could even worry about the break in the mood, watching Eiji crawl onto the bed, then hover over him on all fours, brought him back to the matter at hand. Eiji leaned down, capturing Ash's mouth in another kiss as he slowly, carefully, gently, lowered his body down. The touch of his skin on Ash's went from a light brush, to warm, to warmer, to bodies pressed together, hands cradling Ash's head as it rested on the pillow. Ash wrapped his arms around Eiji, prompting a moan into the kiss in response. They continued to kiss deeply, sharing tongues and lips, as Ash let his hands roam over Eiji's body in the way he'd needed for much longer than he'd even realized. As his fingers ran through Eiji's silky hair he found the elastic holding the loose ponytail and tugged it out, letting the glossy black strands fall around both of their faces.

Ash had moved out of the kiss for a moment for air, but in that time Eiji's lips moved to continue placing kisses over his skin, from neck, down to chest again, and even just slightly lower. Ash could feel Eiji's kiss growing lighter, more careful as he teased around his navel a bit, causing Ash's hips to rise in response. Eiji followed the lead Ash's responses offered, nuzzling the lines of his abs, the creases of his hips, before his kisses began to trail upwards again to end on his lips.

“Tell me what you want me to do for you,” Eiji said, his tone soft as he cradled Ash's face with one hand. “I want to make you feel amazing.”

Ash stayed focused on Eiji's eyes, the feel of his arms around Eiji's body, as he tried very hard to ignore the all-too-familiar tension starting to gather in his being. This already was far and away like nothing he'd ever experienced before; on top of how he was feeling right now, despite Eiji taking the lead, whatever happened next was Ash's choice to make. _His own choice._

Eiji read the uncertainty mixed into the desire in Ash's eyes. With a soft kiss on his lips and a smile, he moved to straddle Ash's waist. “How about this... to help your decision along?”

Ash tried to answer, but as soon as Eiji's hands began moving over his own torso, glossy black hair spilling over his body, he lost all sense of how to speak. Ash's eyes followed Eiji's hand as it traveled lower...

As Eiji gasped at his own touch, his hand encircling his own erection, head falling forward, Ash was pretty sure he was going to lose his mind. For a few moments time stopped as he watched Eiji pleasure himself, his head alternating between bowed forward and tipped back as he moaned.

Ash held off for as long as he could, then finally reached out, placing his hand over Eiji's, the hazy expression in the other's eyes sending a thrill through him.

“Let me finish you,” Ash offered, and Eiji's hand switched places, laying over Ash's as Ash firmed up his grip. For the first few moments he just let the warmth of his hand sink into Eiji's erection, keeping still until Eiji whined softly with need. Liking what he was hearing Ash decided to tease him further, bringing the pad of his thumb to the tip, slicking it over with the drops of pre-ejeculate there as he rubbed in soft little circles. It only took Eiji a few moments to start squirming and whimpering.

“Ash... oh god please, more...” The hand laying on Ash's tightened, willing his grip to close more. “I'm so close...”

Ash couldn't resist sliding his thumb over the underside of Eiji's erection for a few long, teasing strokes, ending with another circling of the head. He licked his lips as Eiji's ab muscles clenched, breathing quickening; in response Ash began to give him full, deep strokes, still going slowly at first until a long, needy moan tore from Eiji's throat. Ash began to quicken the pace and within a few more strokes Eiji's body arched back as the orgasm rocked him, spilling onto Ash's chest as Eiji's ragged moan filled the room.

Ash tried not to look down at his chest even though he could feel the warmth; clamping his eyes shut, he willed the rising panic to recede. _It's Eiji. It's Eiji's. This is right, it's okay..._

“Ash... oh god I'm sorry...” Eiji's soft, worried tone, still mixed with shallow breaths, broke into Ash's thoughts and his eyes snapped open.

“I didn't mean... I didn't want that to happen...”

Ash realized what Eiji meant, and there was that feeling in his heart again. _No, it's you. It's not like that..._

“I...it's okay. I... had a moment. I'm all right...” Ash refocused his eyes on Eiji's body, pulling his mind back to what had just happened, determined to push through, to not let his fears ruin this. Eiji had stretched out on all fours to grab some tissues from the nightstand, reaching down to Ash's chest and proceeding to clean him up, the gentle touch returning. Ash wondered if his heart was going to stop overflowing every time Eiji showed him kindness in the moments where he had never been shown it before. When Eiji finished, he leaned down on all fours again, nuzzling sweetly at Ash's lips, seeming reassured that everything was all right.

“You have dangerous hands,” Eiji murmured. “I about lost my mind.”

“And what you did _wasn't_ dangerous?” Ash countered, a soft laugh coloring his words.

Eiji's teasing shrug in response somehow riled Ash even more. _How the fuck can you go from the sweetest soul in the world to this? How are you so perfect?_

“But now we're back to the question of how I return this little gift you've given me,” Eiji noted as he leaned in to nuzzle Ash's lips once more.

Ash blinked, that flutter in his chest again, vision blurring as he felt his eyes welling up. “Will you fucking stop making me cry?”

Eiji giggled softly. “You're the sentimental one,” he teased.

Ash scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. “I think... your hands look pretty talented too. And besides... I...” He paused for a moment, then decided to be honest. “I need your face right here... I need your voice right here... just in case.”

Eiji nodded his understanding, leaning in to kiss. “All right. But... let's get back into the right mood, yeah?” He lowered himself down again the same as before, pressing their bodies together and lavishing the same attention over Ash's skin with lips and hands, with the added feel of his long hair trailing over Ash's skin. As both got more lost in the sensations, one of Eiji's hands slid up over Ash's chest, one fingertip brushing a nipple, pulling a gasp from Ash's throat.

“Is that good?” Eiji asked, moving up to kiss him again as he brushed his fingertip over the nipple, then teasing it as it hardened.

“Y-yeah... never... felt that good before though...” Ash felt himself on the verge of squirming as Eiji placed one elbow on either side of his body, propping himself up. Just as Ash's eyes fell closed, he moaned as he felt both of Eiji's thumbs teasing his nipples, the touch just soft enough to wind him up even more. Ash's hips pushed up against Eiji's almost involuntarily as Ash's arms wrapped around Eiji again.

Then Eiji added soft kisses over Ash's chest to the mix and Ash startled himself with the sound that came out of him. “Eiji, _fuck_... oh god... the hell are you fucking magic or something?”

Eiji slowly dialed it down, pulling an exhale from Ash before his shallow breaths returned. Leaning in, he nuzzled Ash's lips affectionately.

“No, Ash... it's because you want it. It's because you're letting me in.”

This time, Ash didn't fight the tears as he reached to pull Eiji's head in, kissing him so hard Eiji gasped into his mouth. Still holding his head, he purred against Eiji's lips.

“Fuck that, you're magical.”

Eiji quieted him with another kiss, smirking against his lips in reply.

“Touch me,” Ash begged, the emotions threatening to cause more tears to collect in his eyes. The only time he'd ever begged before in his life during sex was for it to stop. _Never again. Never. Fucking. Again. Not when he makes me feel like this._

Eiji angled his lower body to the side, keeping his chest against Ash's, free arm propping him slightly, his hand cradling Ash's face. His other hand slid down Ash's body slowly as he leaned in to kiss him; Ash wrapped his arms around Eiji in response.

Ash closed his eyes then, taking in the scent of Eiji's body, the familiar, comforting sound of his breathing, the feel of his skin against his arms, his own chest. He felt Eiji's hand move lower, fingertips trailing over the triangle of skin below his navel, the sensation a mix of ticklish and stimulating.

_Not there..._ Ash clamped his eyes shut more tightly then as the alarms in his body started trying to go off. He knew Eiji must have heard the sudden catch in his breath, felt the sudden bit of tension in his body as two of Eiji's fingers spread apart to move around the base of Ash's erection.  _Fuck... no... I want this... I don't want him to stop... why is this happening..._ Ash had never had a reason to fight so hard against all of his red flags in his entire life as he did right now.

“If you want me to stop, I will,” Eiji said softly, placing a kiss on each side of Ash's face.

Eiji's voice brought Ash out of the impending panic attack and into the present. Suddenly, it was Eiji's warmth, Eiji's scent, Eiji's voice... Eiji's love.

“No,” Ash whispered. “Don't stop. Please.”

Ash focused then on the feel of Eiji's hand taking his erection into his grasp slowly, first with the pads of his fingers brushing over the shaft. Eiji leaned in to kiss his forehead as he stroked that way for a few long moments, the sensations building enough that Ash soon became more distracted from all else. Little by little Eiji firmed up his grip; when his hand was in a loose fist he slid it up the shaft, mimicking what Ash had done earlier to him by teasing the tip of his erection, stroking in soft circles with the pad of his thumb.

Ash felt his body squirming again and this time let it happen; now he knew why Eiji had reacted as he had. He'd tried it on him on a whim and had been pleased when it worked, but Eiji doing it to him was enough to drive him insane. Eiji's soft laugh as Ash's fingertips pressed into his back in response just made it that much more maddening.

“Fuck... Eiji... ahhhh fuck more...”

In response, Eiji teased the underside with his thumb in the same way Ash had to him, breaking into a full smile as Ash squirmed in pleasure under his touch, needy, growly groans slipping out. Just when Ash thought he was going to lose his mind Eiji switched it up, his hand tightening slowly as he began a rhythm, thumb grazing over the tip with each upstroke. Ash lost track of time as he melted into the pleasure, breathing quickening and body arching as he felt the orgasm building.

And then Eiji's voice wove its way into the haze, soft, gentle. “That's it... let go, Ash... it's safe, you're safe...”

The words themselves wouldn't have been something that had aroused Ash on their own, but in the midst of everything, Eiji's presence came crashing through and for the first time in his life, Ash _did_ let himself go. He felt his mind relaxing into Eiji's touch even as his muscles tensed, the orgasm rushing up and exploding almost without a real warning. Ash's hands fell away from Eiji's body to grip handfuls of the sheets as he moaned, body shuddering a bit before collapsing with a gasp. The room was still spinning, with Ash dimly aware of Eiji once again gently cleaning him up; a few moments later Ash was brought back to earth by Eiji's deep kiss on his lips.

Once again Ash didn't even try to stop as he suddenly burst into tears; deep, hiccuping sobs that rushed out and overtook him. _So much for being romantic._ He felt Eiji pull him into his arms, tucking Ash's head to his chest as Ash clung to him tightly, sobbing his heart out for what felt like hours before he was finally able to stop.

“I didn't think... I could do it...” Ash said, his voice a raw whisper, parched from the flood of emotion. “I didn't think... we'd get that far so fast... I just wanted it to happen, I guess...”

“Shhh... we can take each time as it happens. Sometimes it might be easy, sometimes it might not be. But this is a first step. We might get knocked back one or two sometimes, and that's okay too,” Eiji said, stroking Ash's hair, the other arm wrapped around his upper back. They fell into silence for a bit then as Ash calmed down, with Eiji placing soft kisses into the top of his head, rubbing his back to comfort him.

“Thank you,” Eiji murmured into his hair.

“For what? I should be thanking you,” Ash replied.

“For trusting me.”

Ash tipped his head up to meet Eiji's eyes. “Why wouldn't I?”

“Just because we love each other and trust each other with other things, doesn't mean you have to trust me with everything. Especially this. I always told you I'd be fine if we never took this step, and I meant that. And even if we go back to how it was, if you find it's just not something you can continue to do... I'll be fine with that too. I will still never ask you for anything you're not willing to give, Ash.”

“Will. You. Fucking. Stop. Making. Me. Cry?” Ash said in a mock growl as another rush of tears overtook him.

“Sorry... not,” Eiji smiled.

Ash scrubbed at his eyes again with a hand. “I don't know what's ahead. I didn't even expect all this tonight. But I do know that tonight was amazing... and I want to keep trying...”

“Then we will,” Eiji said, kissing his forehead again.

Ash was about to respond when they were both alerted by a scratch and whine at the door.

“Oh... crap. I didn't take Buddy out before we came in here,” Eiji said.

“Figuratively and literally,” Ash grinned, causing Eiji to snort-laugh this time.

“Let me run him downstairs. I'll be right back,” Eiji said, dipping his head to kiss Ash before rolling out of the bed, pulling on his pajama pants and t-shirt. “Leave it to our dog to interrupt our romantic evening.”

Ash sat up, sliding over to the edge of the bed to reach for his own clothes. “The perils of life with furry children,” he laughed. “Go. But hurry back.” In response Eiji bent down to kiss Ash once more before heading out into the kitchen to get Buddy's leash.

Ash pulled on his clothes and lied down on his back as he waited for Eiji to return. His eyes closed as his mind went back into the evening's very unexpected turn, trying again to not be overwhelmed by the emotions it was wrapped in.

But suddenly, Ash decided he would do just that. He'd only been holding back because of what those emotions were: Not just happiness, not just physical satisfaction. He felt... strong. Powerful even. Fuck that, _triumphant._ For as much as those around him in his youth had tried to destroy him, take everything from him, from his body right up to and including his life... tonight, he'd made the the biggest step he'd ever taken toward reclaiming it all. He'd left everything else behind him, shed the personas of two whole people: The child whose life of innocence was short-lived had been abandoned for a life that had spun completely out of his control, one he'd only thought he could escape by his own death. He'd started over and become, both in public and on a personal level, a person he'd only thought he could be, have things he'd only thought he could have.

So... why not bury it all?

Eiji returned then, flopping down on the bed with a sigh, then moving over to wrap Ash in his arms again with Ash returning the embrace. Ash tipped his head up to kiss Eiji deeply, then pulled back with a grin.

“Thank you... for being my first,” Ash said. He expected the momentary flash of confusion over Eiji's face to last longer than it actually did. But this time, it was Eiji's turn to tear up as the importance of Ash's words were not lost upon him.

“I am deeply honored to be the one you chose,” he replied.

“I love you,” Ash said, leaning in for one more kiss, which Eiji returned.

“I love you too,” Eiji smiled, pulling him close, tucking Ash's head against his chest once again.

As Eiji dozed off Ash lay in his arms, eyes closed, listening to his breathing even out with slumber. Tonight had been perfect, a first step toward being everything he wanted to be, both for Eiji and for himself. But even if the next one wasn't perfect, even if there were rough times on the road ahead, Ash fell asleep knowing he had gained the power and strength to fight for it, and to heal enough that eventually, they all would be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this story has escalated a bit more quickly than I'd expected, but this is definitely not finished. I have a lot more planned, just doing a bit of rearranging. But the direction on this felt right, so here you are. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash begins to realize the path to being completely intimate and open with Eiji might be a bit more difficult than he'd convinced himself it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing particularly upsetting or graphic in this chapter, though Ash does talk a little about things that happened in his past.

“Ash!! Wake up! _Ash!!”_

Ash's eyes snapped open as he bolted upright, momentarily forgetting where he was, the room he'd slept in for several years now seeming alien. The last vestiges of sleep cleared away as he realized Eiji's arms were around him. He turned and slung his own arms around Eiji with such force that he yelped in surprise as Ash broke down in near-hysterical sobs.

“I... oh god... It was a nightmare... about... Golzine was still alive, and he found out about us and...” Ash couldn't even voice it aloud, the horrific images, even if they had never actually happened, still in the forefront of his mind.

“I... I know,” Eiji said, rocking Ash gently in his arms. “I could tell by what you were saying. I'd been calling you for a few minutes before I was finally able to wake you. I was afraid to touch you and make it worse.”

Ash fought to steady his breathing and push the nightmare out of his mind completely as Eiji continued to cradle Ash in his arms, one hand gently rubbing his back. He finally looked up at Eiji, his gentle face filling his view and allowing him to calm.

“He's dead,” Eiji said softly. “He can't hurt either of us anymore. All of that is far behind us now. We're both safe.”

“I don't even know why that happened,” Ash said, voice muffled as he buried his face in Eiji's shoulder. “I hadn't had a nightmare like that in a few years, not since I found you again.”

“Last night was pretty emotional,” Eiji allowed. “A lot happened that neither of us expected, even if it wasn't unwelcome. Maybe if we'd talked about it more first, if you'd been more ready... I don't know.”

“I don't think I could have been any more ready,” Ash said. “I felt like if I kept being careful, if I kept thinking about it _too_ much, that I'd never take the step at all. And I wanted to, with you... however far we end up going. All I know is it felt so freeing to open up. I never thought I ever would be able to...”

“I'm honored that you chose me to be that for you,” Eiji said, nuzzling Ash's hair. “You did seem pretty emotional though. Do you think maybe we still went a bit too fast?”

Ash raised his head, leaning in to kiss Eiji softly. “If I added up all the years I waited, I'd say between the time we met and now it's close to two decades. For you, who I knew I could trust, that was more than long enough. I honestly don't know if I'd ever have been able to pick the perfect time. I just had to do it already. I was always going to be scared, always going to have moments. I probably still will. But I don't regret last night at all and I won't regret whatever happens from here on out.”

Eiji smiled then, gently withdrawing from Ash's embrace. “I won't either,” he said. “The only way I would is if I did something to upset you in some way, even if it was accidentally. I just don't ever want you to feel like you did when...”

“It's completely different than that,” Ash said emphatically as Buddy, seeming to sense Ash's tension, jumped up onto the bed and laid himself across Ash's lap, head on Eiji's thigh; in response Ash reached over and absently ran his hand over the dog's side as he spoke. “I mean... I know you wanted to be extra careful and all, but you didn't have to. I know it's not the same thing as that to be with you.”

“I know that, but I could tell there were still a couple of times you had to regroup even during,” Eiji said; Ash's eyes cast downward sadly in response. “There's no possible way it could have all been perfect. And I'm sure there will be other bumps in the road and moments that neither of us expect. But I wanted to make sure that it was completely in your hands as to what happened, and that everything that did happen was what _you_ wanted and what _you_ allowed to be. I wanted you to be sure that you were in control, that you could stop it, that you could say no if it wasn't feeling right or you were scared.”

Ash nodded, his voice soft. “And I appreciate that, more than you know. I just wish it didn't have to be at all. I guess I always thought that with you, none of that would matter, none of it would come into play again. I guess that was kind of naive, but I honestly thought enough time had passed that when I found myself wanting to try with you, I could forget the past and be with you the way I've been wanting to.”

“I just think we have to take it slow, and get through whatever happens if it goes bad. And if you end up having trouble that we can't deal with ourselves, then maybe we look into something more.”

Ash heaved a sigh at that. “I'm hoping I don't have to go that route. I think you know more than enough.”

Eiji grew silent then, and at first Ash didn't notice as he continued to pet Buddy, smiling as the dog rolled onto his back, legs splayed out as he asked for belly rubs with a lolling tongue and wagging tail. But soon he realized Eiji had been quiet for longer than usual and looked over to find him deep in thought. Ash leaned over then, bumping Eiji's shoulder with his own, one of the affectionate things Ash had begun doing since they'd been reunited to “knock the sads away”, as they'd come to call it.

“What is it?” he asked Eiji; in turn, the other man took a deep breath, exhaling with a heavy sigh.

“I know you never told me about it, but... when we all thought you were dead, a couple of years later, Max told me a lot more about what he'd learned about what you'd gone through. He told me about the videos and photos that existed, and how you'd been willing to put them out there to protect the others that had been abused too. I would never have wanted to see them, obviously. But I learned that there was so much more that I didn't know, that was so horrible... and in a strange way, it helped me to understand why you were gone. I had always believed you were the strongest person I'd ever known, but when Max told me about all that, it explained so much. I honestly didn't even know how you kept it together as much as you did. Those times you opened up... I couldn't understand how that didn't happen more, and at the same time I did. Because so many times when there was a vulnerable moment for you, it was because of me.”

“It wasn't just you. I couldn't let it get in the way of what was happening. I figured I'd have to deal with it eventually once everything was over. Before I ran into Lao, I hadn't even started figuring things out. I was just going to the library to get out of the cold and get my head back together with a book or two.”

Eiji looked at him then. “I can't deny I was stupid, so many times. That night in Cape Cod. The fight with Arthur...”

“Stop.”

“No, Ash. I have to own up to those things. I more or less caused Jennifer's death by calling to you that night. I distracted you enough that Arthur almost killed you...”

“Eiji. Both of those things were probably unavoidable anyway...”

“You probably could have killed those guys in Cape Cod if I hadn't opened my mouth... maybe you wouldn't have been taken to that mental hospital if you hadn't been injured enough to have to go to the hospital and give them the chance to fake your death... and Lao wouldn't have stabbed you if you hadn't been reading my letter...”

Ash reached over and pulled Eiji into a crushing embrace which was immediately returned. “Stop. I told you before not to blame yourself for those things. I'm really glad I'm not dead now... because you'd have carried these things with you forever and you don't need to. You never needed to.”

“I'm still sorry,” Eiji said, voice muffled into Ash's shoulder. “So many things might have been different if I'd listened to you, if I'd gone back to Japan when you told me to, and had come back when things were over...”

“I still might have ended up dead, but for real.” He grasped Eiji's shoulders then, nudging him back to look into his eyes. “You came into my life for a reason, and for better or worse, everything happened like it did because it was meant to. What matters is that I'm here now, and if I have stuff I need to let go of, so do you. And we'll work on that together.”

Eiji nodded, rubbing at his eyes with the back of a hand.

“I think we're both playing emotional table tennis here,” Ash said. “At least we have today off from the izakaya. I've got to get to work on the computer soon. Let's take a break from all this for now and have a good day off and regroup, okay? If we dive too deep into all of it, it's just going to be harder.”

“All right. Sorry... I didn't mean to –“

“Knock it off,” Ash said with a smirk. “We'll get it out, deal with it, and send it on its way. Come on, let's get Buddy out before he leaves us a present on the floor.”

Eiji broke into that smile then, the one that let Ash know he was feeling reassured by his words. They shared one more mutual embrace and kiss to end the conversation on a positive note, and rolled out of bed to start their day.

  
  


The rest of the day had turned out to be pretty lazy for the pair. The fringes of a late-season typhoon had caused the weather to be rainy and dreary, the rain heavily pelting the windows in sheets within the strong gusts of wind. Eiji worked on editing the photos he'd taken the day before as Ash did his usual stock trading work, with idle banter woven in during breaks. Ryuzo called just after the afternoon closing time to say they'd only gotten two customers because of the weather, and Ash made the executive decision to close the business until the next day, preferring their employees get home safely before the worst of the storm rolled in toward evening.

They were relaxing on the couch after dinner, both done with their work for the day, when Ash settled deep into another train of thought. He watched Eiji doze – as per usual, even though he cooked for hours at the izakaya, he often refused to allow Ash to help him make their dinner at home, as he had tonight – and began to think more deeply about all that had transpired in the last 24 hours.

Ash remembered how, even though he'd tried not to be, he was fascinated with Eiji from the moment they'd met. He'd been innocent to the point of naiveté, and somehow, it made him almost fearless in some ways. By the time they'd worked together to escape Golzine's mansion, he'd expected Eiji to be terrified of him, and yet, it was quite the reverse.

His mind continued to wander over those years. He'd learned the most about Eiji during the summer they'd spent in Cape Cod. Even though every day held the underlying tension that it would be suddenly be time to pick up and run for their lives, there was still a freedom about Eiji. He'd always had the capacity to make Ash feel more at peace than he'd ever believed he could be.

If Lao hadn't thrown a wrench into the plan, Ash was now sure he'd probably have ended up going to Japan anyway. Maybe he still would have erased his existence, to protect Eiji as well as just to disappear. But he wouldn't have had to put Eiji through years of grief to do it. If Eiji felt he had to apologize for his part in events back then, Ash felt he had that much more to make up to him now.

Eiji awoke from his nap as Ash's attention returned to the present. Sitting up, he blinked slowly then squinted as he searched for his glasses (he was too fucking cute when he scrunched his nose up like that, Ash noted). Once he had them perched on his nose Eiji turned to Ash, having felt the other man watching him.

“You're thinking. I can smell the smoke,” Eiji teased.

“Does it smell like weed?” Ash countered, at which Eiji laughed, shaking his head. He then shifted, leaning in to rest against Ash's chest and settling into his embrace.

“What are you thinking about though? Do you want to talk?” Eiji asked.

“It's gonna sound really off the wall at first,” Ash replied.

“That's fine. Just talk.”

“You know what pisses me off the most about all of this stuff, about having sex now, with you?”

Eiji sat up again so he could look at Ash. “What is it?”

“That pretty much everything I know how to do, I learned because it was what every person that paid for me wanted. Things I know will make you feel good, I learned because some guy who rented me for a night taught me how because it was what they wanted me to do. Every fucking thing I know how to do with regards to sex didn't come from being with someone I cared about. I didn't grow up hiding X-rated magazines under the bed or watching pornos one of my friends swiped from their big brother's stash, or trading talk with guys who got to home plate with their girlfriends. I didn't get to have a first kiss, a first relationship, the big moment where I chose to give myself to someone and lose my virginity.”

Eiji's face drew into a mask of concern then as Ash continued, leaning in to wrap him in an embrace as he listened.

“And now that I have you, the one person that deserves everything good in the world and to be loved and respected and treated like a damn king when we make love... that's what I have to give you in return. A bunch of shit old scumbags taught me. It's all from that. And it feels horrible. Disgusting. And I hate that I have nothing else to fall back on but that to know what to do, when you deserve so much more than that.”

Eiji remained silent then, with Ash accepting his embrace as he worked through the newest set of difficult emotions to surface as a result of the evolving of their relationship. For a while he mulled over all of Ash's words, trying to think of the best way to respond. He had to admit to himself he hadn't thought of it that way; while he wasn't all that experienced, he'd learned enough to know a bit about himself in the very most conventional of ways. The difference was his experiences had been consensual and positive, a bit of growing up, even if it was belatedly so.

“I think... that it's possible to turn it into a positive, though,” Eiji said carefully, his voice soft. “Honestly, I didn't have a whole lot of experience. I did get a chance to explore a bit, but once we both figured out the basics of each other, it kind of stalled until the relationship ended. So I'm sure I have things about myself I haven't learned yet either. I mean... I can take the lead in what I do know, and you can follow it, expand on it. All I did, when I did have the chance, was that. You kind of fumble around till you find something that works.”

“That makes sense,” Ash said. “But still... whatever I know to try... came from _that._ ”

Eiji turned the concept over in his mind a bit before he responded. “But there's one big difference now. You're doing it because you want to, not because you have to, and with someone who expects nothing in return. There's nothing we can do about what the past has left you with. But what you _can_ do, is reclaim it. It might be difficult at first. But the thing you have to remember is that I am always on your side, like I always have been. We're in this together. I know where you learned those things, but I also know how you feel about me, and that you don't see me that way. I'm not going to demand anything, or be angry if you don't get it right, or something doesn't work. All I can do is try to help you change how you see those things.” He sighed heavily. “I'm not sure I'm even making sense...”

“No, no... you are,” Ash said. “I did a lot of reading about how survivors move forward with relationships. I know I have to get through feeling that way, and get to a place where it's not like _that_ anymore. I just... it might take some time, some trial and error. I can't keep powering forward like I did last night, blocking out everything that's threatening to sucker punch me from my past, until it finds a way to come back and gobsmack me. I guess I just hate that you have to be the one to deal with this, to get me through it, when all I want is to give you everything without those strings attached.”

“That's the thing, Ash. We'll get to that point eventually. I know it won't be easy for you, and it will be hard for me too, especially if you're triggered. This is what I meant, about you maybe needing to talk to someone. I can try my best, but I can't promise I'll always know how to handle things. That's mostly what I'm afraid of, that _I'll_ screw up, and do more harm than good.”

Ash buried his face in both hands then, exhaling with a groan. “I know. I just... don't know how I feel about going to a shrink. I feel like I know enough about myself, did enough reading, to know what I need to do. I might as well have taken psychology for as much as I've read about the minds of survivors over the years I was alone. It's just that at the end of the day, I know I have to rip the scars open to heal, and I hate that you're the one that's gotta help patch me up. I almost wish I could have gotten through it all before you... but at the same time, you're the only one I'd trust with it all.”

“Well... let's do this. We'll talk more, about boundaries, about how we both feel about this. Show me the things you've read, point me in the right direction. Help me to understand what I need to do, so we can work together. Let's not rush into it again right away. Last night was spontaneous, and it was good, but I think we both held back for different reasons and it's obviously caused you some distress if the nightmare this morning was an indication. Let's learn together, and see how much we can handle.”

“You always did say I didn't scare you,” Ash said. “This might be pretty rough. I hope you can handle it.”

Eiji hugged Ash tightly as he leaned in to kiss his forehead. “You will never scare me. And if I was able to handle seeing you as you were back then, even if you didn't want me to, I'm sure I can handle this now. I can't say it won't hurt me to see you working through it, because it definitely will. But I'll still do what I can to help you get to the other side.”

“I'm going to start calling you my samurai,” Ash said softly, a slight air of reverence in his tone. “Because you're a goddamned warrior.”

“I have you to fight for,” Eiji replied without missing a beat. “And for you, I'll always take on the world.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the previous chapter of this went in a direction I hadn't been initially planning, this one is a bit of a breather to sort out later events, so it's not as long. I had thought for a bit that I might not end up going further with this story, but I've decided to hang in there and see what happens.
> 
> Parts of what Ash talks about in the second half were inspired by [this post on Humans of New York's Facebook page](https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735/2575252352548849/?type=3&permPage=1). When I read it, it made me think of Ash in canon, and how when he was trying to figure things out, he would head to the library and read. The final sentence was the one that struck me the most.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and sorry for this update being a bit shorter than the others. I'm hoping to get my groove back on this story with the next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After taking the initiative to learn more about both the outside forces that shaped him and deeper introspection within, Ash takes another step toward moving on from his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing that needs to be noted in this chapter; I think I'm getting better at referencing without saying too much. At least, I'm trying hard to do just that.

Over the course of the next two weeks while the pair were at the izakaya Ash was his usual upbeat self, immersing himself in work and chatting with the customers as he served up drinks. Eiji was proud, yet also unsurprised, at how well Ash could speak in Japanese a decade on from the days when he'd even stumbled over the simple name of Eiji's home of Izumo. But what made him the most content was how happy Ash was in his adopted home. Most days they didn't even think or talk about New York anymore, and when they did it was more about Eiji's time living there on his own after Ash had gone “off the grid”, as they'd come to call it; sometimes Eiji would say “when you died” with accompanying air quotes, that whole thing about Ash faking his death a joke between them now.

But when they were away from the izakaya, Eiji noticed Ash being a bit pensive and reserved. Despite having the world at the click of a mouse to research, Ash had been spending some time alone, falling into the old habit of going to the library. Of the ten that were located in the Shibuya area, Komorebi-Owada Library was the closest to their home, and Ash had taken to walking there now and again since Eiji had moved in with him. But for the past week, he'd actually spent time between their two work shifts going to pull books and subsequently return them. Sometimes he would ask Eiji to help him work out some of the more intricate kanji that he wasn't totally sure on, opting to work on his Japanese reading skills by taking out those books either written in or translated into the language. The glimpses of the subject matter of the books that this afforded Eiji both made him curious and sad.

After the fifth trip Ash made to bring home yet another book on the psychology that pertained both to him as a survivor as well as to those that perpetrated the abuse, Eiji began to wonder if Ash's intense research, which was crossing over from the books to the computer now, was helpful or counterproductive. Ash was withdrawing a bit more each day, and seemed to be having the occasional nightmare again. Eiji wanted to ask him what was going on, if he needed to talk, but at the same time he was uncertain if that would be helpful or not.

During the second weekend they had off after the whole subject of their being intimate had been opened, Ash was napping in the bedroom as Eiji sat on the sofa, finishing up the editing on a batch of photos for a wedding he'd been hired to work on. He looked over at the coffee table as he burned the photos to a disk to see that Ash had left the current book he'd been reading there, sticky notes poking out from between the pages, marking things that Ash would meticulously take notes about before returning the book to the library. After staring at it for several minutes, debating heavily what he was about to do, Eiji picked up the book and opened it to the first marked page.

An hour later, after he'd read all of the sections Ash had marked, Eiji felt both extremely ill, and full of a deep sorrow. Even the few parts he'd read were severely difficult to grasp. The book recounted the stories of the survivors of a child sex trafficking ring, along with analyzing their abusers, their motives, and the psychology pertaining to both. One of the sticky notes, upon which Ash had written the initials “DG”, marked a chapter that profiled the leader of an operation very similar to the one Ash had been entrapped in as a child; it then occurred to Eiji that “DG” meant “Dino Golzine”. Some of the survivors' experiences were similar to the things Ash had talked about, the ringleader nearly a carbon copy of the one person in the world that, after reading the chapter in full, Eiji decided he'd have had no issue with killing if he weren't already dead.

Overwhelmed, Eiji set the book back down on the coffee table and buried his face in his folded arms. He was pretty sure those few chapters only scratched the surface of what Ash had been through. He remembered Ash's father's story about what had happened to him as a child in Cape Cod, which Ash had later opened up to him about as well. He'd tried to understand, back when they were going through everything in those three years, why Ash's gang members had been so shocked at his relationship with Eiji, their easy rapport and how much Ash trusted him. After a while he'd stopped trying to grasp it – there was far too much else going on then. Reading more about survivors Eiji now understood why Ash had always trusted him: He'd never demanded anything of Ash that he wasn't willing to give. There was one other thing he also understood more now: Why Ash had been, at the end of it all, after saying that he'd never specifically wished to die, he was unafraid of it and why he'd said he'd have been fine dying that day in the library.

Because if Eiji could feel this gutted from reading six chapters of a book, he couldn't even conceive of having lived through it.

“Eiji? What – oh fuck.”

Eiji raised his head at the sound of Ash's voice, face red and tearstained; in response Ash hurried over, pulling Eiji into his arms and crushing him to his chest.

“I forgot I left that out here. You shouldn't have read it,” Ash said, noting the book had changed position from where he'd left it; even if it hadn't been easy to tell, Eiji's state would have been just as revealing to him.

“No, it's... I wanted to. I wanted to understand. I thought I did. I... know nothing,” Eiji said, his voice a raspy whisper.

“I wanted it to stay that way,” Ash said, voice muffled into Eiji's shoulder as he held him tightly. “I never wanted you to understand that world, to know anything about it.”

“But that was a long time ago,” Eiji said as he lifted his head to speak, moving back a bit in Ash's arms to meet his eyes. “We were both living moment to moment then. We didn't think about a future together; we didn't even know if we'd see another day most of the time. But now, we're together, and we do have a future to look forward to. And honestly, at some point, I was going to have to learn. I was going to have to understand. And we've come to that point now, because out from underneath everything you've been through, who you might have been without all of that happening is trying to emerge, like a spring flower pushing its way out of the ground that the winter froze. The beautiful heart I always knew was there somehow was buried underground, because you knew if you uncovered it, let it grow in that world you were in, that it would just keep getting pulled out by the roots. But now it _can_ break through and grow, and I'm the one that has to nurture it. And I can't do that if I don't know how, if I don't understand what it's fought through to finally break free.”

“You were already doing a good job though,” Ash said.

“Maybe. But I can always do better. I can always learn more.”

“True. But at the same time, you were so worried that first time we took things further. Wanting everything to be perfect, afraid to hurt me or trigger me. I feel like all this will do is make you more afraid.”

“It might, at first. But I also read the chapters where the survivors talked about their recovery, both the ones that haven't been able to heal and the ones that did. That helped me a lot to understand how you might be feeling more.”

Ash nodded then. “There was one in particular that managed to come out on the other side and have a relationship, a family. I know it's possible, but it helped to read those stories. I'm working on learning more about how they did it. I'm still not of the mind that I want to open up to a stranger face to face, but there's places online that have helped. A few forums where survivors talk about getting into a relationship, their experiences trying to be physical with their partners. And I've got another book I'm going to read written by a survivor as well.”

“I just... I'm worried that you're letting this consume you _too_ much, too quickly,” Eiji said. “You're kind of... starting to pull away, closing up. It's reminding me of when you'd try to get me to leave.”

Ash exhaled sharply at that. “I'm sorry. I guess I'm feeling like I took too long to crack this open, and now I'm wanting to move forward from everything and I just want it all to be in the rearview mirror. I've got almost as many years removed from it all now as I did living it. It's time to let it go, you know? Or try to. For you, for me, for both of us and what we want to be to each other for the rest of our lives.”

“There's no time limit on it though,” Eiji said. “Even one of the survivors said it in the book. Sometimes pushing through it works, sometimes it doesn't. All you can really do at the end of the day is what feels right for you. Whatever that is, I'll respect it and do my best to understand.”

Ash leaned in to kiss Eiji deeply then, hugging him tightly. Eiji returned the kiss and embrace, one of his hands rubbing over Ash's back comfortingly.

“I'll ease up on the research once I take the notes I want out of this book and finish the other one I mentioned,” Ash promised. “I think I've read about as much as I can. The thought that I had, that I just need to follow my gut, seems to be the most prevalent conclusion I keep coming to. I just really honestly think I have to keep trying. And what I talked about with you before, about where I learned all I know? I basically have to literally use it for good, which means that at least for me, I have to do these things with you now. To change my memories of them, create new experiences that are positive. I really feel like it's what I need to do.”

“If you change the association, do them of your own free will and let them happen of your own free will, and we do them with each other, I hope we can change how you think about them. All you know is the bad. If we work together, hopefully you'll eventually only see and remember the good.”

“That's the plan,” Ash said. “It might take a while, and I can't promise I won't get kicked back a few steps here and there. But I want to get there more than anything, and I want it to be with you.”

Eiji cradled Ash's face in his hands as he leaned in to kiss him softly again. “And I want to help you as much as I can. I can't promise I won't make mistakes either, though I hope I won't. I'm most worried about causing you pain in any way, be it physical or mental.”

“But you wouldn't be doing it on purpose. I know that. I might get freaked out, but it wouldn't be because it was intentional. There wouldn't be anything to even forgive. With you, it would be an accident. That's one of the things we have to both be sure of going in, that we both understand where the other is coming from. But I think we have that covered. It might be a rough road, but we'll get there even if the wheels come off.”

Eiji felt a smile spread over his face. “Kind of like that ridiculous truck we rode cross-country in. It was hell, but we got where we needed to be in the end.”

Ash had to laugh at that. “That was probably one of the only times in that whole mess of a three-year run I can say I had fun. It was like the goddamned Scooby-Doo Gang.”

Eiji laughed then. “You and Shorter stealing those chickens...”

“Oh god!” Ash replied, laughing more now. “But they tasted pretty damn good, probably because they were contraband.”

Eiji's expression turned wistful then, and Ash saw the bittersweet mood in his eyes. “What?” he asked gently.

“We might have went through hell back then, but there were good times too,” Eiji replied. “The summer in Cape Cod, the road trip, the down time hiding in plain sight in the condo and the Halloween party there. For those seven years after you “died”, the biggest regret I had was that we didn't have more of those times, that you didn't get a chance to just be a kid. I guess I didn't realize that you'd never had a chance to be one at all until now. I mean I knew, but I didn't. And I can't give you all of that back, but what I can do is help there be more of them now.”

“All it's been since I found you again is good. If I think about everything I lost and can never get back, I'll never close the door and move forward, and I'll never heal. And that's what I want to do now. It's time to push ahead and start working on leaving the past behind. Keep all the good things with us, however few they were, and bury the rest once and for all.”

  


Tuesdays at the izakaya were usually light on customers, and as such the business put out last call at 9:30 and closed its doors for the night at 10:00. After helping out with the closing procedures Ash and Eiji were usually home by 11:00, stopping without fail on the way at the Family Mart next to their building for a late night snack that was anything other than what the pair had cooked and served all day and evening. It was probably the most boring day of the week normally, and Ryuzo had often insisted that the pair could leave the night shift to him and the staff, but both Ash and Eiji assured him that they enjoyed their work well enough that it wasn't a big deal. They did, however, promise him that they'd take him up on the offer occasionally.

This particular Tuesday had been fun, however. A group of college kids from the nearby university, a mix of several Japanese and a trio of foreigners, had come in to have a cheap birthday celebration for one of them, and their drunken goofiness had lit up the entire place with even the older regulars laughing at their antics. When said older patrons took their leave and only the students were left they let themselves go a bit more.

Ash made note of one particularly attractive Japanese student who kept coming over to order appetizers for the group; it had riled up something within Ash when he realized the young man was flirting rather openly with Eiji, who still appeared to be much younger than his actual 30 years. Eiji just smiled politely, taking the orders and walking back to the grill, leaving Ash amused for the realization that even after all these years, Eiji still was patently oblivious to the effect he had on people.

The students would have stuck around till quite late if Ryuzo hadn't gently reminded them of their closing time for Tuesdays; one of the group joked that he'd misread their weekend hours and thought they were open much later. After one last round the party took their leave, with both owners and their staff making short work of closing up for the night.

Their routines upon returning home after work were what Ash had come to affectionately dub “disgustingly domestic”: Let Buddy out, eat their konbini snacks with a glass of wine to wind down, shower, and usually end up in bed by 1:00 am. Ash would note that was usually when he would just be heading out for the night in the days before he'd met Eiji, and sometimes it would lead to a story Eiji may or may not have heard Ash tell about the days before they'd met. Even if it was an old one, Eiji still loved hearing about Ash's friendship with Shorter, and especially about Skipper, whom he'd barely even known for a couple of hours before he was gone.

Tonight though, for whatever reason, Ash couldn't get the simmering fire that had sparked up within him after seeing Eiji pursued even idly by another man to die down. Eiji had already left the kitchen to get ready for his shower, leaving Ash to finish his last quarter-glass of wine in one gulp before following him into the bedroom. Walking up behind Eiji as his beloved shed his shirt Ash wrapped his arms around him from behind, nuzzling his neck as Eiji watched him in the mirror.

“Hi,” Ash purred into his skin.

“Hi,” Eiji replied with a laugh. “I think cuddling should wait till after showers. I smell like takoyaki and you smell like whiskey.”

Ash playfully snuffled Eiji's ear, making him giggle softly. “Ew, true. Why don't we quicken up the process and shower together?”

Eiji blinked in surprise; it was the first time Ash had ever proposed it. “Well... that would save some time. Good to save water too, you know, going green and all that.”

“See, there's plenty of benefits in this plan,” Ash grinned.

“All right, come on then. But you have to wash my back,” Eiji teased.

“Just your back?” Ash replied, his voice affecting a feigned tone of disappointment; he then laughed when he noticed Eiji was blushing. In response, he gave Eiji's butt a pat. “Don't worry, I'll be gentle.”

“I don't doubt that,” Eiji replied after startling slightly at the pat. “Come on, the more we talk the longer it will take to get to the cuddles.”

“It's cute that you think it's just going to be cuddles,” Ash said as they both stripped down.

“What has gotten into you?” Eiji laughed, his face flushed as he walked into the bathroom, turning the water on in the shower.

“Just making sure you're thinking of the right boy,” Ash smirked.

Eiji blinked, then realized a second later what the issue was. “Is this about that college kid?” he laughed. “Oh my god you're _jealous?”_

“Why wouldn't I be?” Ash said, stepping forward to loom playfully over Eiji, who didn't miss the spark in those bright green eyes. In response Eiji turned around to step under the shower head, the water running down over his back as he leaned into it and giving Ash quite the view as he walked in behind him, pulling the door closed. He moved forward to wrap his arms around Eiji from behind again, dropping his lips to the other's neck once again and pleased when this time Eiji's head dropped back against Ash's opposite shoulder in response, exposing his skin invitingly. Ash let his hands roam over Eiji's body languidly as he nipped and kissed over neck and shoulders; a glimpse over the front of Eiji's shoulder and down revealed he was enjoying himself just as Ash had hoped. He began to trail kisses over Eiji's back and was pleased when Eiji leaned forward, one hand pressing against the wall, arching into Ash's lips.

“I think I found something,” Ash purred into his skin, his hands still playing over the front of Eiji's torso as he crouched down to nuzzle the small of Eiji's back; when Eiji moaned and started a bit in response, Ash was beyond pleased.

Ever the practical one of the pair though, Eiji suddenly began fumbling for the soap. Ash knew an “off-topic” reaction such as this meant Eiji was overwhelmed, a tactic he'd used even in conversation or at work to break and refocus. Ash backed off then even though his own head was spinning; after all, he could relate at the moment. Eiji's reactions were arousing him, as they should be, the realization causing Ash to take pause himself and swallow down a bit of emotion.

 _It's working. I can do this. He makes me feel things... and it's okay._ _**I'm** _ _okay. I'm not numb because I want this, and I want him._ The pair then took to absently washing up, Eiji's silence as he most definitely hurried through it telling Ash more than any words could. As soon as they were done and had toweled off Ash leaned in for a needy kiss, which Eiji returned before they headed back into the bedroom.

When Eiji stopped in front of the mirror again Ash nearly jumped out of his skin with need. Wrapping his arms around Eiji from behind once more, his own erection pressed between the curve of Eiji's hip and Ash's abs, Ash let his hands wander over Eiji again as he took another mouthful of skin on the other's neck, with Eiji dropping his head back again.

Ash trailed his lips up to Eiji's ear, his voice a gravelly murmur. “You like that hm? You like watching us?”

“I like seeing you. I don't know why it's just...”

“It's pretty fucking hot. I like seeing your face too.” Ash then grazed his nails over Eiji's back – and was startled at the moan it pulled from Eiji's throat.

“I guess I'm not the only one that got riled up tonight,” Ash purred, fingertips moving down to tease the small of Eiji's back again, causing Eiji to lean forward, palms on the top of the dresser as he squirmed. Ash leaned in to shower kisses, licks and nips over the expanse of skin, hands roaming Eiji's chest, teasing nipples, raking nails, all the while stealing glances in the mirror around the curves of Eiji's body. Eiji's head was dropped forward, damp tendrils of hair pooled on the surface of the dresser as his breathing quickened; then whimpering needily when Ash suddenly stopped, rising to his full height, hands pressing into Eiji's chest to draw him back up as well.

“Turn around for me,” Ash said, his tone nearly a growl. Once Eiji had responded in kind, Ash gripped Eiji by the waist and lifted him up, sitting him on the dresser. Placing one hand on each of Eiji's knees he spread them to step up as close as he could, their heights even as he pressed his body into Eiji's to kiss him almost roughly. Eiji's arms wrapped around Ash, crushing him in closer and evoking a gasp as both men could feel their erections pinned between their bodies, the heat and friction a tease of its own.

Ash drew back then to meet eyes with Eiji, drawing in a breath at the other's silently begging gaze. In that moment, Ash decided, it was time to start moving forward, to follow the images that had been playing in his mind for the better part of the night about what he'd wanted to do. He was more than aware as he began to trail kisses and nips down Eiji's body, body lowering into a crouch with a sultry, fluid motion, that this was the first time he would ever do this and _want_ to. He heard Eiji's breath quicken, his hands reflexively coming up to tangle into Ash's hair, which he'd undone from his waist-length braid and left fanned out over his back for just that reason. As he nuzzled and nipped at the sensitive triangle of skin between Eiji's navel and erection he could hear Eiji's breath stuttering, feel the grip in his hair. Surrounded by the familiar scent of his lover's skin – _I can call him that now, and I am his –_ Ash sank to his knees, hand encircling Eiji's erection as he leaned in and took the head into his mouth, in turn having a moment where he nearly had to stop to laugh when he heard Eiji's head drop back and knock into the mirror as he moaned.

Ash brought his other hand up to cradle and finger Eiji's balls as he took him in a bit deeper with each mouthful. In his peripheral vision he could see Eiji's hands grip the edges of the dresser, knuckles turning white as Ash twisted his hand around the base of his shaft while his head rocked back and forth, tongue swiping over the tip and the underside, pausing to let it slither around the head which, to Ash's satisfaction, made Eiji whimper and squirm.

 _Just a little more and..._ a few more long moments of that pulled the first of Eiji's pleas for more, and Ash was almost startled at the fire it lit in him. He began to step things up which brought Eiji's head dropping forward, long black tendrils spilling over his abs, his grip in Ash's hair verging on pulling, which Ash found he didn't mind at all. Ash began to moan with Eiji in his mouth, deep, throaty, the vibrations through his tongue to the sensitive underside of the shaft as he moved more rapidly; a quick look up found Eiji's abs clenching, moans louder, the grip in Ash's hair a now full-on pull.

“Ash... ahhhh I'm gonna... oh god don't stop please... fuck!!” Eiji's hips bucked forward as Ash pulled his head back, speeding his hand up as fast as he could; a moment later Eiji's orgasm spilled over Ash's chest, with Ash watching from his place below as Eiji's head lolled back, body writhing a bit before relaxing with a hard exhale, his grip on the silver-streaked locks of golden hair loosening as he brought his head forward to look down at Ash.

“Dear god... that was...” Eiji's words trailed off as he blinked, still trying to collect his thoughts. “Fuck, that was amazing...”

Ash couldn't resist trailing a few kisses over Eiji's inner thighs; the view was just too inviting not to. “You're pretty fucking hot, you know that? Not to mention delicious.”

Ash suddenly found himself having to draw back as Eiji slid down off of the dresser, prompting Ash to rise to his full height. “I'm happy you enjoyed yourself,” Eiji replied; Ash was struck by the wicked gleam in his favorite pair of deep brown eyes as Eiji began stepping forward, nudging Ash toward the bed. “Now let's find out if you are too.”

Ash blinked, surprised for a moment until he remembered that Eiji had at least a bit of experience, the thought further intriguing him as he sat down on the end of the bed.

“You're a mess,” Eiji laughed, turning to go back to the bathroom to grab a warm wet cloth; upon returning he cleaned up Ash's chest. Setting it aside he stood in front of Ash, placing both hands on his shoulders as he lowered himself to his knees between Ash's thighs.

“Eiji you don't have to –“

“Shh.” Eiji leaned in to spend some time devouring Ash's chest and abs, the words Ash had tried to speak quickly fading from his thoughts at the feel. Eiji gave as good as Ash had given, his own hands teasing the same places on Ash's back, even going so far as to rake his nails over Ash's ass and hips. But it was in the feel of Eiji's lips and the grazes of teeth on his inner thighs that Ash found his weakness. He felt his hips moving a bit on their own, the need to lean back onto his hands, eyes dropping closed at the tease.

“I think I found something,” Eiji said in a silky tone before he nuzzled into Ash's balls. Ash felt like someone had plugged him into an electrical outlet; between relishing Eiji's reactions earlier and the tease he was now receiving in return, Ash was pretty sure he was going to lose his mind. Without thinking he reached out, gripping Eiji's head and urging him toward his erection.

“Bossy boy,” Eiji scolded, and Ash came apart a bit more at the sound of his voice. _What the fuck, stop talking you're killing me..._

Ash wasn't sure he'd ever made a noise like the one that was pulled from his chest when Eiji's lips took him in. What followed was a mix of the techniques Ash had used and what must have been Eiji's own experience. When Ash felt like he needed more, he found all he had to do was beg out the words and Eiji obliged, doing everything Ash asked for and finding things Ash didn't even know he needed. At one point he drew his very heavy head up, dropping it forward to watch Eiji and when the other man noticed he slowly drew back off of Ash's cock, gripping the shaft with a hand and circling his tongue around the tip through a wicked grin. Even through the haze of pleasure Ash couldn't help but laugh at Eiji's bit of showing off, playfully gripping a handful of Eiji's hair and tugging – and being quite surprised when Eiji growled and took him in again in response. It didn't take long for Ash to realize that _watching_ Eiji was pretty fucking hot, the fire in his belly flaring up and causing him to moan again.

“Eiji.... careful... I'm gonna...” Eiji responded by gripping the shaft more firmly, lips sliding back off of Ash's erection and hand quickening, his free hand moving up to press his palm against Ash's lower abs. The warmth of Eiji's touch somehow was the tipping point and Ash came with a raspy growl, this time making a mess of Eiji's chest. Letting go of Eiji's hair he drew in raspy breaths, hands on his thighs to steady himself, eyes closed. He could hear Eiji discreetly cleaning himself up, having backed off of all contact immediately to let Ash have his space to recover. He opened his eyes to find Eiji still kneeling below him, face patient and calm with a bit of concern mixed in. Ash reached forward to cradle Eiji's face in his hands, that precious face that already was the most beautiful thing Ash would ever lay his eyes on, so full of love, understanding, and genuine care.

“How'd you get so good at that?” Ash finally asked, his tone playful, soft.

“I like to read too,” Eiji said with an “innocent” shrug and smirk.

“God you're such a brat,” Ash laughed.

“And you're not?”

Ash gripped Eiji's shoulders, pulling him toward his chest. “Get up here.”

Eiji rose, wrapping his arms around Ash and then leaning in to knock him back onto the bed, pinning him down and kissing him deeply, with Ash's arms wrapping tightly around him in return. After a bit of that Ash flipped them over, pinning Eiji and returning the passionate kiss, fingers tangling in the dark strands of hair splayed out around his head.

“You should get jealous more often,” Eiji smirked. “I gotta start flirting more.”

“Don't you dare!” Ash gasped in feigned affront. “Or I might have to as well.”

“Go for it, and see what it gets you.”

“I should, since you already know what it gets you.”

“Yes, it gets me sucked to within an inch of my life, and if you think I'm going to pass another chance for that up, you're insane.”

Ash stopped in his tracks at that, then suddenly burst into the heartiest laughing fit he was sure he'd ever had. “Oh my god you're so fucking _ridiculous_ when you're horny!”

“Well look who my boyfriend is, can you blame me??” Eiji laughed.

It was at that moment that they both realized they'd left the bedroom door ajar when Buddy, hearing the laughter, came racing into the room, jumping onto the bed with tail wagging and tongue lolling to see what all the fuss was about.

“Oh god, is this what it's like to get caught in bed by your kids?” Ash asked.

“I'm thinking it probably is,” Eiji laughed as Ash moved off of him. They both got up and turned down the bed, climbing in under the blankets which in turn cued Buddy to curl up on top of the comforter at their feet. Ash wrapped Eiji in his arms with the embrace returned, leaning in to kiss his beloved Eiji deeply.

“I'm proud of you, you know,” Eiji said softly once they'd spent a bit more time kissing.

Ash felt a catch in his chest at that. He weighed his answer for a moment, then decided it felt right. “Thanks... I'm proud of me too.”

Eiji broke into one of those sunny smiles that wrinkled his nose and eyes – the one that made Ash realize just how much he was loved, and how much he loved in return. “Good. Because you should be.”

The embrace Eiji wrapped Ash in then was fierce, but warm and loving at the same time. Ash basked in the kisses his soulmate showered over his face, the soft words of pride and love. Just as he felt his eyes closing, his mind fading as he began to give into sleep Eiji laid his head down on Ash's chest, dozing off almost immediately.

It took a few moments more before Ash fell asleep and he spent them gazing at Eiji, thanking whatever bit of mercy he'd been shown by whatever gods existed in giving him the most amazing, beautiful heart in the world to call his own – one he finally could feel he truly deserved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and the many kudos. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With his confidence and trust in both himself and Eiji growing, Ash finds that he's strong enough to take one last, vital step on his way to truly healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **PLEASE READ:**
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter contains content that is potentially triggering for SA/CSA survivors, including Ash's discussion of a particular event in his canon abuse, and panic triggered via sexual intimacy between Ash and Eiji. If you feel you may be negatively impacted by this, please do not read.

The passage of seasons in Tokyo was different than in New York City, but in the decade he'd lived there Ash had gotten used to it. The leaves didn't change in the city and surrounding areas until late November, and it made the sudden emergence of the Christmas light displays within what felt like a week later – and for some overzealous businesses, the day after Halloween – almost like hitting a wall at times.

The thing Ash hadn't gotten used to though was the fact that it almost never snowed in Tokyo, and pretty much never for Christmas. It was for that reason that Ash really had no trouble admitting to himself that the forecast for this late in January, which told of a possible snowstorm toward the end of the week, had him about as excited as he'd been as a child. Though the need for a snow day was gone (even though he could choose to have one now if he wanted), he still longed for the atmosphere, the idea of watching it come down from a warm, safe place. The more he thought about it though, Ash realized the real reason he was so excited: It would be the first snow storm (not that there were many) that he would get the chance to share with Eiji. It hadn't really snowed in New York during the time they were there, and even if it had, there wouldn't have been a real way to enjoy it while they watched their backs. So for now, the excitement over the coming storm was enough to ignite a tiny spark in Ash that he hadn't felt since he was a child.

Ash's mind had been wandering through all of this while relaxing on the couch upon returning home after closing up the izakaya for the night with his usual glass of wine while Eiji showered, only refocusing on the present when Buddy hopped up on the couch to curl up next to him. He reached forward to the coffee table to find the book he was reading – he'd finally moved on from the serious textbooks he'd been diving into as he'd promised Eiji, and was currently working on an Ursula K. LeGuin novel – when he noticed a book that wasn't his sticking out from under the stack. Pulling it out and squinting because he didn't yet have his reading glasses on, he held the book up to focus on the title, making sure what he thought he was reading was correct.

For a moment, Ash had a really hard time not bursting into laughter. Eiji always wanted to do things to the best of his ability, get things right, so he would dive into learning about them. Ash had often wondered if he'd influenced his dear soulmate in that vein at all, but then remembered that when it mattered most, Eiji was never afraid to jump in headfirst and learn what he needed to. But even so, as he flipped through the book, finding it illustrated with gorgeous photos, the fact that Eiji had at some point purchased a fully-illustrated gay sex education book was just... so... _Eiji._

Ash tossed the book back onto the coffee table and burst into laughter despite himself, covering his mouth with one hand, shoulders twitching as he tried not to laugh too loudly when he heard the shower turn off. A moment later he grabbed the book again and started looking through it, pausing on a chapter that explained the literal ins and outs of two men making love, from personal hygiene prep to the finish line. There was nothing in the book that Ash couldn't have told Eiji...

_Oh._

Ash abruptly stopped chuckling and began to leaf through the book again, coming to the realization that anything he would have wanted to explain to Eiji would have been tied to things he didn't necessarily want to remember. They'd discussed taking that next step, but so far had kept it to mutual pleasuring – likely, Ash realized, because just about every time the subject of going further came up, Ash had been reluctant to really talk about it. Eiji had picked up on it, and was taking it upon himself to learn.

Suddenly the book was pulled from his hands, causing Ash to startle with a half-yelp of surprise. He looked up to see Eiji closing it and clutching it to his chest, face bright red.

“You weren't supposed to see this. I forgot to put it away before we left this morning,” Eiji said. “I just, I wanted to –“

Ash reached out and pulled Eiji down by his free hand onto the couch, taking the book from his hands and tossing it back onto the coffee table before hugging him tightly.

“I know what you're doing,” Ash said, his voice muffled into Eiji's shoulder.

“I just didn't want to make you talk about... things,” Eiji said, returning Ash's embrace. “And we don't even ever have to do it but... in case you ever do someday... at least I can be ready.”

“To be honest, I've been thinking about it more than a little,” Ash replied, lifting his head to meet Eiji's eyes. “I feel like it would be that last hurdle, you know? Every time we've been together so far, I mean, it's still making love. It's still having sex with each other, sharing intimacy. But... at the same time... I kind of want to know what it would feel like to willingly give myself to the one person I know I can trust with my body. The only person I'd _want_ to have me. It used to be terrifying to even think about. I used to always think to myself that even if we had the chance before I “died”, I wouldn't want you to experience that. At that time, I only really thought of it as a bad thing, especially by the end. I was pretty sure back then that if I had the choice, I'd never have any kind of sex again.

“But now... I was away from it for a long time, and with you, I've been learning about myself. Every time we're together, I'm less scared. Less worried. And I have the confidence of knowing that not only would you never make me do anything I don't want to, but that you wouldn't let _me_ do anything you didn't want done to you. I know you're going to speak up and let me know. We can depend on that, with each other.”

Eiji nodded in agreement as he listened. “We both had to become confident, and we both had to learn how to trust. For me it was easy. I knew you'd never force me, because you already know what that's like. But I want _you_ to be sure when, or if, we decide to take that step, that it's what you want.”

“I can't deny that I'd be nervous. I don't know how a first attempt would go,” Ash acknowledged. “I don't even know which I'd prefer to be on top...”

“I thought about that too. I almost think it would be better if you were the first time. Because for better or for worse, you know what to do,” Eiji said.

“Well... yeah, but I just... I think I'd have to maybe work through some stuff. I think I'm somewhere in between knowing you trust me, and the old impulse of 'I could never do that to or with him, he doesn't deserve that'.”

Eiji nodded in understanding. “I get that, definitely.”

“And then... if you were on top... I'd be afraid I'd freak out. I wouldn't be able to see you and I don't know if I'd start having flashbacks...”

“But... I saw in the book that there's other ways to do it.”

Ash blinked. “Wait. What?”

Eiji reached over for the book then, flipping through the pages until he got to one of the photos that showed two men face to face. “We don't have to do it that way. I was thinking of this... there's another face-to-face way too...” Eiji stopped when he realized that Ash had gone quiet, and reached out to hug him as Ash stared at the photo. When he began to speak Ash's voice was a scratchy whisper, eyes distant.

“They always wanted us on our knees. From behind. Subordinate. Weak. I always believed it was because they didn't want to see our faces when we cried. That took all their fun away. They had to pretend we liked it as much as they did, or they'd lose their boner. They'd remember they had a conscience. They didn't want to know that it hurt when they didn't use a condom or lube, and almost none of them did. I even got asked once if it hurt. When I said yes, the reply was 'good'.”

Eiji felt the tears welling up in his eyes then and he hugged Ash as tightly as he could as the other set the book down to return the embrace. For a while they both cried, shared emotions over Ash's pain and Eiji's pain over learning more about what Ash had been through. When they had both cried themselves out and settled down Ash remained silent, with Eiji rubbing his back softly to comfort him. Finally, Ash reached over and picked up the book again.

“Maybe we both need to do some more reading, but this time together,” Ash said. “Watching any videos might hit too close to home for me, but... this is actually a really good book.”

“To be honest the photography was pretty stunning, and that's what drew me to it. I figured if they were going to take that much care with the photos, the book itself would be the same.”

“That's a good thought,” Ash said. “Maybe we can go find some more of these and have bedtime stories.”

“Well that's got to be about the best executed double entendre I've ever heard,” Eiji laughed. “But yes... maybe learning together is what we need to do. We can both figure out what we're interested in and what we'd rather not do.”

Ash smiled, hugging Eiji to him. “It's a start,” he agreed. “But I'm up for it if you are.”

Eiji returned Ash's smile with one of his own. “I am. I've always wanted to help you heal, and this is no exception. Let's do this together so we can help you to finally move on for good, at least in some way. It won't erase the past, but maybe you'll finally be able to look forward without fear.”

  


 

The next day, as the certainty of the storm became clearer, even at the izakaya the conversations had turned to the weather. Ash, being from the US, got a lot of questions about where he was from and if he was looking forward to the snow. He enjoyed answering with an emphatic “hai!!” whenever he was asked, to the point that Eiji and Ryuzo had started to tease him about it. But Ash refused to let it bother him, and freely admitted that he was really looking forward to making a snowman, which made Eiji smile that much more.

Wednesday was usually a somewhat early closing night, with the last customers making their way out by 10 pm. Once they'd gotten everything shut down and cleaned up, Ash gave the place a last once-over before he and Eiji locked up. The snow would move in by the morning rush, so they would have plenty of time to decide whether or not to bother opening for lunch hour. Eiji noticed that Ash was unusually upbeat as they began their walk home, and as they came to the corner of the alley and the main road instead of turning right toward the konbini and their condo building Ash turned the opposite way, grabbing Eiji's hand.

“I'm sure you remember the whole thing about stocking up for food when a storm was coming from when you lived in New York, right?” Ash grinned as he tugged Eiji along.

Eiji smiled. “Oh, yes! The first time I saw that happen was the second winter season I was there. There was a huge snowstorm coming up the coast and the whole city was freaking out. Sing told me I'd better get a lot of food and prepare to not go anywhere for awhile and he was right. We got a foot of snow and my street was snowed in for a couple of days. Sing ended up hanging out with me. It was fun.”

“Okay, so we're on the same page then. I remembered that from New York too, at least once I was living with the guys in the gang at the house there. So I think we should hit up Donki and get some supplies, yeah?”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Eiji replied, his pace now almost at a trot to keep up with Ash as they headed toward their destination.

The massive store called Don Quijote, more commonly known as “Donki”, was a place that Ash had found just after moving to Tokyo. He liked it mostly because it was open 24 hours, and he could sneak out late at night as he preferred while he'd been working on disappearing from the world. He soon realized it was the one place he could find American foods he was familiar with, and there was always a friendly staff member who would do their best to help him decipher what something was if he really needed it, since he hadn't started teaching himself Japanese yet. Once he and Eiji had moved back to Tokyo, Ash had regaled him with many tales of buying food he thought was one thing, only to find it was definitely something else, stories Eiji always remembered with a smile whenever they'd go there to do their shopping.

With the place being seven floors in total the pair opted to stay near each other as they wandered around, with Ash cracking what he called “terrible American jokes” about making sure they bought enough bread and milk. There was little to nothing you couldn't find there, and the pair usually managed to wander around for a decent amount of time on their late-night trips, coming home with much more than they'd intended to.

Eiji got distracted as he was searching for some toiletries in one aisle, and looked up to find he'd lost track of Ash. He began checking down the aisles as he walked with no luck, then turned down one and spotted him. As he made his way toward him he hadn't been paying attention to the products hanging from the display racks. But he stopped dead in his tracks and felt his face turn bright red as Ash, grinning gleefully, turned around and threw a package containing a comically-huge purple jelly dildo in Eiji's hand basket.

“Ash! Oh my god what the hell is _that?_ Do people actually _use_ these things?” Eiji said, half-laughing and half legit-horrified.

“I imagine there might be some who can handle it,” Ash said, far too calmly, though Eiji could see Ash was having a difficult time holding in laughter of his own as he perused the rest of the adult toy aisle. Eiji hung the dildo back up on the rack – he had to laugh again at the blue glitter version of it that was on the next peg over – and followed Ash as he wandered along.

“Here we go Eiji,” Ash said, finally breaking into laughter himself, “sparkly pasties. You can wear these next time.” He tossed them into Eiji's basket.

“Why do I have to wear them?” Eiji laughed, hanging them back up as Ash pulled down a bra with cutouts for the nipples and threw _that_ into Eiji's basket. Eiji decided to play along, but within a few minutes found himself not really sure about what all he was looking at. He finally found one thing he was familiar with from the book they'd discussed the night before and brought it over to Ash.

“Here, I found this, I think I know what it is,” Eiji said as he handed Ash a package containing a butt plug, at which Ash proceeded to crack up again.

“That's _way_ too big!” he laughed, going back to where they were and finding a much smaller one. “This one would be better, especially for you.”

“Wait, I...” Eiji blinked.

Ash paused, then laughed again. “Oh, you weren't serious?” he asked, his tone becoming more reserved.

“Well I thought you were just joking not... actually looking.”

“It was kind of both,” Ash said. “But it's more for you than for me.”

“Oh... I just thought we'd...”

“Jump right in? No... I wouldn't do that with you, you've never done it before.”

Eiji blinked again, looking around to see if anyone was nearby even though they'd been speaking in relatively hushed tones once they'd gotten serious. Finding no one, he watched Ash as he studied the wall of toys more carefully, then found a package containing a normal-sized dildo.

“This will work better,” Ash said. “We can both take things slow, get you used to it this way. We don't have to use it necessarily, but it would be good to have it handy because sometimes bodies don't cooperate, if you get my drift.”

Eiji nodded. “All right... I just... guess reading one book doesn't give you the whole picture, and then there's other things we need to worry about...”

“I read enough about my end of things over the last couple months to know that what I already thought about the way to move forward is the best one,” Ash replied, his tone almost dismissive as he switched back to the subject at hand. “There's some other stuff we should get too. You know, just in case.”

Eiji grew quiet then as he followed Ash closely while they continued their shopping. Once they were done and on their way home, Ash picked up on Eiji's seemingly pensive mood.

“You okay?” Ash asked him.

“Yeah, I just... I guess I was a little surprised by that happening tonight.”

“What? That I'm the one stepping up?”

“Well... yeah. I guess... I just thought you might still be hesitant. We just really started talking about it yesterday.”

“Nah, we discussed it a little before,” Ash replied as they got to their building, pausing to swipe his keycard in the door. “We've been messing around for a couple months now, getting more comfortable with things.” Another pause as he swiped the card for the elevator, with both of them walking in. He turned to Eiji once the doors closed and they were alone. “Besides. None of this stuff was ever up to me before. I'm getting to make the choices about how it's going to happen. It's... kind of freeing, in a way. Well, a big way.”

The elevator opened to their floor and they headed into the apartment, and for a bit the conversation paused as they put everything away and settled into their nightly routine. By the time Eiji had walked Buddy and then gotten his shower Ash was on the couch as usual, having poured wine for them both. Eiji saw that Ash was again reading the sex-ed book which he closed and set on the table as Eiji sat down, his free arm wrapping around Eiji's shoulders. Eiji leaned into Ash's embrace, sipping on his wine before he picked up the conversation from earlier.

“I don't know... I feel like I'm not really sure how to handle all this,” Eiji said. “Sure we've been intimate, and there have been a couple of bumps along the way, but this just feels a lot more serious. And I'm just never sure what might upset you so when I see you doing stuff like what happened tonight, it just surprises me a little I guess.”

“I don't even know what will set me off, to be honest,” Ash said. “Well, at least, outside of the obvious things. I feel like the biggest thing I'll need is just to feel like I have control. I know I can say no and you'll listen, I know you'll stop if I need you to. The only thing I'm really not one hundred percent sure of is how that first time for me will be. Because the last time I had any experience with that happening...”

Eiji recognized the distant look that glazed over Ash's eyes then, the one that happened when he was Remembering. “I... know about the things that happened when you were a kid... and know there were things you said you had to do, that you knew you could use that to make it out alive,” he said.

“Well yeah... like when I got framed and was in prison, for example.... but... the last time was one I never told you about. The last time, it wasn't in my control.”

Eiji's brows furrowed then. “Did... something happen after you came here?”

“No... not here. It was something I never had time to tell you about. Remember when I surrendered to... that mercenary?”

Eiji felt a knot form in his stomach. “Yeah...” He noted that Ash didn't say the man's name, so he was careful not to as well.

“He wanted me to partner up with him and take over the world, because the bastard was crazy. I told him I'd never give in to him. So... he... took what he wanted instead. To try to break me. My hands and legs were tied... and....”

Ash heard a quiet sob, and looked up from where his eyes had cast down at the floor to find Eiji in tears.

“You don't have to talk about it,” Eiji said, wrapping his arms around Ash. “I remember when you came back, you wouldn't let Cain touch you, and then you just... seemed so distant... now I know why... I didn't want to think about what might have happened, I don't think I really comprehended it but... oh god Ash, I'm so sorry... you surrendered to him to save others...”

Ash wrapped his arms around Eiji, the impulse to comfort him stronger than the need to process his own pain. “It's okay. It... that was one of the reasons I was okay with dying though. Because of all the times it ever happened to me, that one was the most terrifying, because _he_ was a fucking madman. It was just kind of the last straw, you know?”

Eiji's tearstained face when he raised his head from Ash's shoulder to look him in the eyes nearly broke Ash's heart. “And you never told anyone? You held it in?”

“I didn't really have a chance to. I didn't know where my life was going once everything was over, or how I'd ever be able to process those years. Everything I'd lost, every _one_ I'd lost. When I left the library to try to make it to the airport, that was all I'd thought about, the only thing that made sense. And then that even backfired.” Ash reached up to brush away Eiji's tears with his thumbs as he cradled Eiji's face in his hands.

“But yeah. That was the last time I'd had anything done to me. On top of everything else, I just don't know how I'll react. The greater part of my brain says that it's you, I can trust you, I know you won't hurt me. But I can't promise that trying will be easy in the beginning, no matter how cavalier I am about it. I guess that's my way of dealing with it, because as light-hearted as I seem about it, buying the toy, lube and condoms tonight? That was _my_ fucking choice, I had _my_ say in what's going to happen, and as small as that seems it's fucking _big_ for me. I want to have some fucking control over my own flesh and blood in that way you know? I never did before, and it might be a rocky road to get there, but god dammit I'm going to do it.”

Eiji's tears had stopped as he listened to Ash speak, his sorrow replaced by pride in Ash's strength, in how far he'd come. He smiled softly, reaching to pull Ash tightly to his chest.

“I believe you will, Ash,” he said, gently stroking his hair as Ash laid his head on Eiji's shoulder. “And however you need to do it, you do it. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do. I'll help you get there. We can both get there together.”

 

 

  
Eiji awoke to his alarm that morning as usual, but the unusual part was Ash not being in the bed next to him, groaning for five more minutes of sleep. He sat up and noticed the bedroom door slightly ajar, the scent of coffee wafting through the room as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He wandered out to the kitchen where he filled up his own mug, then turned toward the living room to see Ash not in his usual place on the couch with laptop and paperwork spread out as he prepared to work on his stock trading for the day, but curled up in the overstuffed recliner chair by the windows, gazing out over the city skyline. Knees drawn up to chin with arms locked around, he angled his head toward Eiji as he came into the room, smiling softly.

“It snowed for a little while, but it didn't stick. They're saying when it gets colder toward sundown is when it's going to pick up more. There might be as much as a foot depending on how the system tracks. Too bad it wasn't last month, for Christmas. It's never cold enough then though.”

Eiji sat down on the floor where Buddy was curled at Ash's feet, tucking his legs under to sit seiza on habit, then leaning against the chair, his head resting on one of Ash's shins. Eiji had the sense that Ash was about to open up a bit so he sipped his coffee, his free hand reaching to scratch Buddy's head for a little bit before he decided to give Ash a verbal nudge.

“Did it snow much in Cape Cod?” Eiji asked.

“I used to think that, but I think it was more because whenever it did, it was a big deal. In a way, you and I lived in a similar kind of place, by that I mean we lived on the coast. So we didn't get a lot of snow unless a random storm system or Nor'Easter happened. Of course, when I was little I didn't understand all that. I just remember Griff telling me I had a snow day, and we'd always make a snowman after he let me sleep in. I saw more snow in New York City once I moved there. It still didn't happen a whole lot, but we'd get those random storms that I'm sure you remember.”

“I do, like the one we talked about last night. I probably saw more of it living in New York than I did growing up in Izumo and even living in Tokyo for university.”

Ash was quiet for a bit, a few sips of his own coffee his only movement before he spoke again. “Griff sometimes talked about both of us moving somewhere away from everything. But then he changed his mind and went into the service. I think he probably did it to get money for college, because hell if our father had it. I don't think he ever expected to go into war. I got one letter from him before I ran away where he promised that we'd have a better life when he got home. I was still pretty young, but I'd already been learning to read so I understood most of it. But he didn't get home in time... before everything happened, to him and to me. If he had... I probably wouldn't even be sitting here now. We'd have probably moved to Boston, or some other big city, and I might have had a normal life. Instead, I feel like my life is just starting to really begin now. Like I'm finally starting to heal. I thought I was okay, doing better, when I was alone here. But all that was, was not having to deal with any of it. I could just forget about it unless I had a nightmare. But now that you're back and we have this second chance together... I have to get through it. I've realized that I still have to heal to move on once and for all.”

“You'll get there, Ash. I really believe that,” Eiji said softly.

Ash sighed heavily in response. “I sound like a broken record these last couple of days. But the last few months have been pretty eye-opening. It's weird how the smallest, simplest things make you think about how different everything could have been. The snow's been making me think about Griff a lot, oddly enough. Sometimes I get really mad at him for leaving me. He knew I would be all alone, but I guess he thought maybe my father would step up and take care of me. I'll never really know now, because I couldn't ask him even when I did find him.” He finished his lukewarm coffee in one last gulp. “I'm sorry. I guess I'm working through a lot more than I even realized I needed to.”

Eiji set his own empty mug on the coffee table before getting up and sitting on the arm of the chair, wrapping his arms around Ash's shoulders. “It's all right. The important thing is that you're not holding it all in anymore.”

“Yeah, you're right,” Ash said, looking up at the clock on the mantel that framed the electric fireplace in the living room. “Anyway, I better get some work done. It looks like we'll be opening up for lunch, but we'll see what the weather's like for later on. If it gets too messy, we should probably let everyone make their way home early.”

“That's probably a good idea,” Eiji said as he got up. “I'll make us some breakfast.” He leaned in to place a kiss on Ash's forehead, at which Ash then raised his face to kiss Eiji softly before both got up to begin their day.

  


  
By dinner hour opening time for the izakaya the snow had been coming down for about two hours in huge, fluffy flakes that were more like clumps of fluff falling from the sky. With about two inches on the ground and a lot more on the way, and the lack of the usual Thursday night crowd Ash made the call to send everyone home by 8 pm (with pay for their lost hours – Ash maintained that since they could well more than afford to do so, anytime they made the call to close, their employees would still be paid).

As such by the time Eiji and Ash began to make their way home around 9 pm the snow was up to their ankles, with neither of them owning proper winter boots to wear home. Both were slipping and skidding in the snow, with one or the other holding each other up when there was nothing to grab onto. When they got to the Family Mart for their usual snack stop, rather than taking their onigiri home Ash insisted on brushing off one of the benches across from the store to sit in the snow and eat them, which Eiji obliged as it wasn't really all that cold. By the time they got home and settled in, the normal view of the city from their living room windows was veiled in a glowy haze of snowfall, the pair curling up on their couch and opting for hot cocoa instead of wine as they cuddled together.

Eiji couldn't help but keep stealing looks over at Ash, who continued to gaze dreamily out at the snow. Though it was a lot more common to find Ash happy these days, Eiji still treasured each time he saw a totally unencumbered, genuinely relaxed expression of contentment play over Ash's face. Slipping one arm around Ash's waist Eiji leaned in to rest his head on the other's shoulder, prompting Ash to smile and tip his head until it rested against the top of Eiji's. They sat that way for a while, watching the snow and enjoying each other's presence with a bit of quiet conversation wherein Ash tried to convince Eiji to let him put up their Christmas tree that ended up with both of them laughing, arms wrapped around each other.

Eiji was startled when he found his lips captured by Ash's but quickly gave in to the impulsive, romantic moment, with Ash's embrace tightening and drawing Eiji closer. Before long the mood changed from romantic to something more as Ash's embrace and kiss grew a bit more heated. When Eiji felt his breath being stolen by the growing intensity he gently drew back, prompting Ash to as well.

“What are you thinking about?” Eiji asked softly, having a feeling he might already know the answer.

“I've just been really thinking deeply about everything,” Ash replied quietly, the telltale, slightly-breathy tone in his voice telling Eiji his hunch was likely right. “If I think too much more, I'll think myself out of it, and more than anything else, I need to know. So...” Ash paused to lean in and kiss Eiji again, with an even more heated spark to it before drawing back again. “I want to see where tonight goes.”

Eiji drew in a breath of his own, his body, mind and heart all at war at the moment. Ash had a way of making Eiji want him that always made Eiji feel certain about what was to happen but all things considered, even though Eiji's body was already beginning to react and his heart was racing, his mind was telling him to be cautious.

“I... I don't want you to just jump in if you're not sure,” Eiji said. “We really only started talking about getting more serious a few days ago. I just want you to be sure.”

Ash's eyes softened, joined by an equally soft smile. “You worry too much.”

“Someone has to. I'm just afraid it could go wrong...”

“It might. But then we just keep trying. Eiji, I'm never going to get through this, never overcome it, if I don't try. I had enough of my life and choices stolen from me and I'm sick of it. I'm ready to bury as much of it as I can. And to do that I can't keep doubting myself or being afraid of it. Neither can you. I need this, and I just need you to trust me that I'm ready.”

Eiji drew in a deep breath with an equally-long exhale attached as he hugged Ash tightly. “I know. I know. I just. I guess I'm worried too, afraid to do something wrong...”

“Nothing you could do is wrong. I know _you,_ Eiji. It's not you or anything you could do that would hurt me now. It's my own brain, my own past, my own self and remembering. Muscle memory, brain memory. But I'm sick of being enslaved by all of it. If I had the strength to pick up guns and murder people to survive, I should have the strength to murder my own demons. Right?”

Eiji drew in his lip, catching it in his teeth as he nodded.

“All right then.” Ash released Eiji from his embrace and rose, one hand sliding along Eiji's arm to his hand to entwine their fingers together. Tugging gently Ash led Eiji into the bedroom, closing the door then making his way across the room to open the blinds covering the picture window. The bedroom side of their condo faced a more brightly-lighted part of the city and the snow was more visible, balls of fluff more akin to handfuls of bath bubbles floating by than snow. They were high up enough that the room was still only dimly-lit but enough for Ash to see Eiji's face clearly as he wrapped his arms around him, the other man returning the embrace as they sank onto the bed.

It didn't take long for the mood that Ash had begun to set out in the living room was restored. As they'd grown more comfortable with intimacy Eiji had found that Ash was very good at finding all of the things that wound him up in very little time. The kisses over his neck, Ash's hands slipping under his shirt to graze over the sensitive places of his torso, thumbs teasing nipples; there was something about Ash's hands being hidden that drove Eiji even further out of control. Responding in kind Eiji's hands began roaming Ash's body and before long he found Ash melting under his touch, breaths shaky as Eiji's lips trailed over his shoulders and neck. They took their time stripping each other, both men fully aroused and hard before their clothes fell away.

It was just after Ash pulled Eiji tightly to him once they were naked, with Eiji gasping at the feel of Ash's skin as he always did, that Eiji noticed something a bit different in what Ash was doing to him. As they kissed hungrily Eiji felt Ash's hand playing over his back, sending shivers through his skin as it traveled downward. Eiji gasped at the sensation of Ash's fingertips trailing little circles on the small of his back, sending shocks through him and causing him to rock his hips, craving Ash's touch on his erection.

“Ahhh god... Ash... what are –“ Eiji's words were cut short as he felt Ash's fingertips teasing the cleft of his cheeks, surprised at how the gentle touch made him squirm, Ash's voice like silk in his ear as he leaned in to breathe words into Eiji's ear.

“I think I'm going to show you first... what it feels like. So you know what I want you to make me feel,” Ash purred. Leaning into Eiji's body with his own he laid Eiji back onto the bed, pausing to reach over to the nightstand before returning. Lying down, pressing his chest to Eiji's, he nuzzled into Eiji's lips as his hand moved down, two fingers once again slipping between Eiji's cheeks, slick with a touch of lube as he began to tease Eiji's entrance with soft, tiny circles that gradually pressed inward. Ash seemed quite pleased with Eiji's reactions, or at least from what Eiji could tell as he went from squirming to writhing, arms wrapped tight around Ash, eyes closed and hearing nothing but his voice in that maddeningly sexy tone he knew made Eiji fall apart.

Eiji's head began to spin as Ash slipped two fingers into him, moving in and out, deeper with each press inward. A third finger and Eiji felt himself opening up, relaxing under Ash's touch, moaning as Ash's lips brushed over his neck and chest, murmuring... something, Eiji didn't really care as long as he didn't stop –

The frustrated growl that tore from Eiji's chest as Ash withdrew his fingers shouldn't have pulled a wicked laugh from Ash, but it did.

“Why did you stop... god Ash!” Eiji begged.

“Because,” Ash said, leaning in to kiss him softly, “the more you need me, the less you'll think about it. I mean... you do want me, hm?” And _then_ Ash had the _gall_ to reach over, take Eiji's erection into his lube-slicked hand, and stroke a few times before again letting go, smirking at Eiji's needy whine of response before leaning in to use _that_ tone of voice again.

“You know I know just what buttons to push, gorgeous,” Ash purred, teasing again by slipping his fingers down to just barely tickle at Eiji's entrance. “I sure as fuck want you right now...”

Something about the tone of Ash's voice as he said it sparked Eiji that much more. Opening his eyes to meet Ash's as his face hovered over him Eiji reached up to let his hands wander over his lover's body, tangling fingers in the silky blond ribbons of hair spilling over Ash's shoulders, catching the faux moonlight of the city lights through the heavy snow falling past the window.

“Tell me how you want me,” Eiji said in a hushed tone, his desire leveling off but still very present. In the wan light of the room he was almost certain he saw a momentary flash of... something cross Ash's face, followed by a sharp inhale of breath.

And then, Ash rose onto his knees, moving over next to Eiji and lying down.

“However you want to do it,” Ash said, and Eiji could definitely hear the warring emotions in Ash's words. He tried to keep his tone even, but there was the slightest hint of a tremble, followed by another deep inhale and sharp exhale.

Eiji fought his own emotions for a few moments as he moved onto all fours over Ash, looking down upon the silky blond hair splayed over the pillow, the toned body he knew quite well. Despite whatever fears were threatening him Ash was still clearly aroused, so Eiji followed his instincts for now and leaned in to kiss Ash deeply.

Ash closed his eyes, taking in Eiji's scent, the sound of his breath, the taste of his lips as they kissed, all familiar, all comforting, all safe. As Eiji's lips began to explore his body as they had many times now, it all still felt familiar, comforting, _good._ But with the added element of seeing Eiji turned on, the memory of the first feeling of taking him a bit deeper than they'd gone before (literally), Ash's own desires were heightened that much more. As Eiji added in the caress of his hands, the nips and teases of his tongue Ash felt himself falling further under that same familiar spell, lips curling into a smile as Eiji came up to kiss him deeply again.

Ash kept his eyes closed as Eiji paused, hearing the soft click of the top of the bottle of lube, the liquid sound of it in Eiji's hand. Eiji moved in close then, his own voice soft.

“Ash... I'll touch you, like you did to me... if you want me to. I can use the toy you bought if you want if that would be better...”

Ash opened his eyes, took in Eiji's face, full of love and concern mixed. Drawing in a deep breath, he reached up and wrapped his arms around the one person in the world he had always known would never, ever bring harm upon him.

And yet, Ash still fought the rising knot in his chest and throat as he nodded, breathing out his next words. “Yes... I do want you to... Just your touch, nothing else.” Before Eiji could answer and possibly second-guess Ash drew his legs up, resting his calves on Eiji's hips as Eiji propped himself up on one elbow. Eiji leaned in, resting his forehead on Ash's as his other hand moved down, out of Ash's sight in the darkness. “If you need me to stop, I will, just say so.”

As Eiji slipped his fingers in between, not even near his entrance yet Ash found wasn't prepared for the sudden, visceral reaction that tore through him. His body tensed, teeth clenched, bracing for the rough, harsh, painful shove of too many fingers, too big for a place so small...

“--Ash! I've stopped, it's okay, it's me!”

Ash came to his senses a moment later, realizing his entire body had locked, frozen, teeth clenched so hard he was seeing stars. He was also holding his breath and he sucked it in hard, exhaling just as sharply. Eiji's voice, Eiji's scent, the warmth of his skin filled his consciousness again.

“Oh...okay... I'm okay... k-kiss me... please...” Eiji leaned in and obliged the request, kissing Ash softly several times, murmuring words of comfort until Ash felt his mind settle once more.

“We can stop,” Eiji reminded him gently.

“No... I don't want to...” He knew the hesitation in response from Eiji meant the other was uncertain, and that didn't want to upset Ash by pushing too far with apologies. “I want to get through this... let's just keep going.”

“All right... let's try another way,” Eiji said softly, his voice a bit shaky despite his best efforts. He began to kiss over Ash's neck and chest again, his favorite places, taking his time and mixing in nips and licks, teasing nipples with flicks of his tongue, everything that Ash had found he loved. Ash's mind settled into the pleasure again, the reassurance of Eiji's presence bringing him back to focus. Just as he felt himself getting hard again, Eiji's reaction lined up in one of the moments they often called “brain sharing” as Eiji's lube-slicked hand wrapped around Ash's building erection, gently stroking over it. Warmth spread through Ash's body as he got wrapped up in the added tease of Eiji's light touch and the feel of lips and tongue over the soft skin around the base of his shaft.

There was a slight pause in the feel of Eiji's lips over his skin and Ash's eyes opened to see Eiji reaching for the bottle again with his free hand, trying to pop it open with his thumb. Ash reached over, taking it from him and opening it; their eyes met for a moment and Eiji extended his hand, with Ash pouring a bit over Eiji's fingers then setting it aside. How Eiji knew such a small thing, that one extra element of Ash having control of the situation, would be so important, Ash wasn't sure; but something about it changed everything in that moment. This time Ash kept his eyes open as he drew his knees up, watching Eiji kiss gently down his body again, taking in the teasing, light touch over his now full erection. Eiji nuzzled over Ash's inner thighs, the back of his hand grazing the skin as he moved lower.

This time, the touch of Eiji's fingers only evoked a few moments of Ash's body attempting to tense, a catch of his breath in his chest with a spark of fear, but keeping his eyes locked with Eiji helped him relax. As Eiji brushed the pads of two fingers over his entrance, adding a bit more of a tease with the other hand on his erection, the tendrils of fear in his mind gave over to the beginnings of pleasure. His ears filled with Eiji's gentle murmurs of reassurance as he slowly released Ash's erection from his hold, focusing on easing into the next step. Ash breathed Eiji's name as his beloved slipped two fingers in slowly, using the same teasing, gentle press in and pull out, adding a third finger as Ash relaxed, knees parting a bit more. Before long Ash realized he was squirming a bit in pleasure, the tease starting to build up desire in him, the feeling of being able to let go and allow himself to enjoy it new, both exciting and still holding a bit of fear along the edges. But almost as if he could read his body – and hell, maybe he could by now – just when Ash began to feel slightly out of control, Eiji would coo softly to him, remind him of his presence, kiss over an inner thigh, nuzzle at his navel...

Ash gasped as the pleasure began to spread through him when Eiji pressed his fingers in just a tiny bit farther, his fears for the moment melting away. Ash felt tears of happiness welling in his eyes as the invisible line he hadn't even realized was there was crossed; the one where trust and love overtook fear and pain.

“Eiji...” Ash immediately realized why Eiji had been so thrown when he'd stopped teasing him earlier, as the pause when Ash called his name was maddening. “I... It's... It's time... I need you... please...”

Eiji withdrew his fingers gently, and Ash heard him rising up onto his knees. After another pause Ash opened his eyes and just like that, Eiji was being fucking adorable in the middle of the deepest moment their relationship had come to yet as he struggled with the condom wrapper. Ash broke into giggles at the sight of Eiji with the corner of the condom caught in his teeth, causing Eiji to look back at him with raised eyebrows.

“What are you _doing?”_ Ash laughed.

“They do it like this in the movies don't they? It's supposed to be sexy,” Eiji said, words slightly garbled as he spoke around the goddamn wrapped condom hanging out of his mouth; it was then that Ash realized what was really happening, and fought back another rush of emotion.

“You are such a damned... _dork_ ,” Ash said. “Just open it already.”

The smirk on Eiji's face betrayed that he knew he'd been caught. Opening the wrapper with ease he then made a bit of a tease out of slipping it onto his erection. Ash was soon distracted again as Eiji's little show, one that Ash couldn't get enough of from the very first time he'd done it, wound him up again. Once he had it on Eiji took a few more long moments to kiss over Ash's body again, purring at him in teasing tones about how sexy he was, how beautiful, and as he came up once more to kiss Ash's lips deeply, how precious and loved he was. Ash wrapped his arms around Eiji and for a bit their bodies pressed together, with Eiji grinding his hips into Ash's then reaching down to grasp both their erections in one hand, stroking them both in unison for a few moments, another of Ash's favorite things. But soon again it wasn't enough for either of them.

“Eiji... I'm ready,” Ash moaned, feeling the edges of Eiji's tease threatening to take him too far. “Please...”

Eiji nodded, releasing his hold and kissing Ash one last time before he moved down to kneel between Ash's legs.

“Bring your knees up,” Eiji said softly. “Wrap them over my hips if you want.” He leaned down then, kissing over Ash's torso as Ash wrapped his legs around Eiji's hips, a few moments more taking forever to slip by as Eiji added a bit of lube over the condom. As Eiji leaned in Ash drew his legs up a bit more, eyes locked on Eiji, drawing in a breath as he felt fingertips teasing him open again.

The first touch of the tip of Eiji's erection caused Ash to fight back another surge of fear, the sharp inhale causing Eiji to pause. Remembering some of the things he and Ash had discussed, Eiji rocked his hips a bit, letting his erection graze over Ash's skin as he murmured gentle words of love and support. Ash reached up and wrapped his arms around Eiji as much as he could, connecting the feel of his body to the rest of his senses and drawing in a few deep breaths.

“I'm okay... keep going...don't stop... just keep talking to me...” Ash murmured; in response Eiji reached down and began to guide himself in using the same gentle series of in and out motions, pushing deeper in each time. Ash kept his eyes open, but then found himself averting them to absently notice the snow falling outside the window. He quickly snapped himself back, realizing that he didn't _want_ to check out and fought the urge to dissociate, to fall into old coping habits. A moment later he felt Eiji's kiss on his cheek, the brush of lips as he murmured to him.

“I'm all the way in, Ash... It's me...”

Ash turned his head to meet Eiji's eyes, swallowing back another rush of emotion, then blinking back the tears that welled up even though he had promised himself he wouldn't cry. (Stupid to think he wouldn't break that one, really.)

“I know... it's okay... you can move...” The tone of Ash's words was almost playful as he felt the urge to reassure Eiji, his sweet, precious Eiji, who was so worried about hurting him he was taking the chance of sacrificing his own pleasure. Ash reached up, pressing palms into Eiji's chest, brushing thumbs over Eiji's nipples (that always got him back on course). Just as he'd hoped Eiji's eyes dropped closed and he began to squirm a bit.

“Come on, Eiji... I need you too...”

Eiji nodded almost absently then and began to move, slowly at first as he acclimated himself to the feeling of being inside someone for the first time. For the first couple of minutes they both moved carefully, but Ash could see wisps of pleasure crossing Eiji's face. Soon Eiji's telltale gasp, his body falling into a slow rhythm, told Ash that he'd finally given in to his body's needs. Ash moved his hands down to grip Eiji's cheeks, slipping fingers in between to tease a little to spur him on. Eiji's inward strokes were a bit too short, leaving Ash needy – a new feeling for him. For a moment he felt a pang of a strange mix of guilt and shame, the echoes of voices reminding him that pleasure wasn't for him, he was only meant to give it to others via sacrificing his body...

“Ash... Please, I need more of... I don't know...” Eiji murmured; it was then that Ash realized that as he'd gotten distracted and his mind threatened to take over that he'd lowered his legs, making it difficult for both of them. He drew them up again, this time a bit higher, and as Eiji slid deeper in with the sharper angle of Ash's hips, Ash felt a surge of pleasure. Gasping, he reached down to grip Eiji's ass again, pulling him in deeper.

“Ahhh god... Eiji... come on, move...” With a nod Eiji started moving, immediately feeling the difference as he set up a rhythm again, faster this time as his need had grown. Ash's mind and senses were taken over again, but this time by the flush of pleasure that ran through his body from hips into his abs, his skin feeling like it was on fire, with even the brush of Eiji's hair as his head dropped forward, dragging it over Ash's skin, driving him insane.

“Fuck, you're so hot, this is so fucking hot,” Ash moaned, holding onto Eiji's hips as Eiji followed his own body's instincts, the pace of his thrusts speeding up. Ash opened his eyes to look up and saw Eiji, eyes closed while caught up in his own passion, body lit by the soft glow from the window.

“Fuck, you're beautiful Eiji... you feel good?” Ash purred. “I sure as fuck do...”

“G-good,” Eiji gasped, Ash's voice bringing him somewhat to his senses. He looked down over Ash's body and, spotting Ash's very full erection, shifted his weight to balance himself on one arm, continuing to thrust as he reached down and took Ash's erection into his hand. “But I... want you to feel much better... I want you to come for me...”

Ash moaned loudly at the familiar feel of Eiji's hand gripping his erection, the added pleasure drawing his muscles into the state of tension that always led to his release at Eiji's hands. Drawing his knees up just a bit more caused both he and Eiji to moan, with Eiji speeding up, his body tensing, moans getting louder with tones Ash knew well. Ash soon found he could no longer keep his eyes open, the intensity rising, the fire in his body growing. As Eiji lost focus, his hand released Ash's erection to press into the bed to steady himself as he drove himself in as deep as he dared...

It was those last few thrusts, the deepest yet, that sent Ash spiraling over the edge, half screaming as his body jolted with the strongest orgasm he'd felt since he and Eiji had first become intimate. The flood of emotions came and Ash didn't care; a mix of euphoric tears and physical pleasure that was only added to by Eiji's ragged moan as he came a few thrusts later, hips driving into Ash and hands gripping the sheets, growling through clenched teeth until his shoulders dropped with a ragged exhale when his body released its hold.

Ash felt Eiji go soft inside of him and a moment later Eiji withdrew, with Ash working on catching his breath as Eiji took care of the condom. Eiji leaned over Ash again on all fours with Ash reaching out to wrap his arms around him, pulling him down and crushing their bodies together. Rolling onto their sides Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash, and this time he was the first one sobbing with Ash following, the pair a mess of tangled hair and limbs as they spent several minutes riding out the tempest of emotions both were feeling.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity the room grew quiet, both of their bodies finally relaxing, hearts settling back to quietly beating in their chests, breaths stretching out from shallow and labored to deep and calm. Ash opened his eyes to find Eiji looking back at him, a soft, loving smile on his face, his eyes puffy and red from the happy tears they'd both shed.

“You did it, Ash,” Eiji murmured softly, smiling, the tone full of pride and love.

Ash swallowed hard and found himself smiling as well. “I did. _We_ did. I couldn't have made it through it if it wasn't for you... I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't with you...”

Eiji's arms tightened around him as he leaned in to kiss Ash deeply; Ash returned the kiss and the embrace in kind.

“I won't lie... there were a couple of... moments,” Ash said softly. “But... I don't know... I expected it to be a lot harder...”

“Sometimes the things we're most afraid of, the most aware of, are the things we're the most ready for... _because_ we've thought about it so much,” Eiji noted. “It may not be like that for everyone. But I think the last couple of months helped us both. We both knew the boundaries, we both knew each other's bodies.”

“We knew... _I knew..._ your heart, your soul, what you have felt about all of this, that you knew what I'd need... I knew I could trust you.”

“And... the biggest thing... It was your choice.”

Ash felt a surge of strength then, for lack of a better word, and he pulled Eiji as close as he could, burying his face in Eiji's shoulder. “It was. I did. I chose to give myself to you. The only person on this earth that ever deserved to have me. The only person on this earth that never asked anything from me. The only person that ever showed me that I could be loved without pretense, without consequence, without strings attached. The only person who has ever given me pleasure instead of pain...” He stopped himself from rambling then, the emotions still at the surface making him feel raw, vulnerable – but for the first time in his life, he was actually able to enjoy it.

“I'm honored to be that person for you, as I always have been,” Eiji said softly as he stroked Ash's hair. “And I am so proud of you, as I always have been, for being so strong, for facing your fears, for working so hard to heal. Even if we had never gone this far, I would have always been at your side, because my heart and soul are, and have always been with you, Ash.”

Ash smiled then, leaning in to kiss him once more. “I know... and I don't have words for how much that means to me.”

The pair spent a bit more time cuddling, exchanging kisses and soft words. As Ash shifted to try to wrap Eiji in a closer embrace, he caught sight, behind Eiji in the dresser mirror, the snow still falling past the window behind him. He turned then, pressing his back against Eiji's chest, at which Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash, tangling their legs together as they spooned.

“I'm very torn right now,” Ash said, his tone playful. “Part of me wants to go out and build that snowman. But the other part of me is way too comfortable right now.”

“It's supposed to be cold tomorrow still, and maybe a bit more snow,” Eiji said. “We'll build it in the morning. I'm sure Buddy will love to play in it too.”

Ash smiled then, folding his hands over Eiji's as they were locked around him from behind. “That sounds good.” He felt Eiji nuzzling his shoulder, then placing a few kisses there. “Besides, you're making it really difficult to want to go anywhere.”

“Mission accomplished,” Eiji smiled against his skin. “Besides, I'm exhausted. We should get some sleep.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ash said. “I guess I just don't want this night to end. But we'll have more of them. And, I mean... next time, it's my turn to give back what I received.”

“Well, that will certainly give me something nice to dream about,” Eiji said. “I can't wait.” He raised his head, leaning over with Ash turning his head to accept the offered kiss. Ash felt his eyelids growing heavy as Eiji pulled the blankets over them both.

“Hey, Eiji.”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Ash.” One last kiss on his cheek from behind, and then Ash felt Eiji's head rest against the back of his shoulder. Ash let himself be hypnotized by the snow and Eiji's soft breaths as he fell asleep, feeling for the first time in his life that it was strong enough and worthy enough to be healed. The scars would always remain, but they were now just a part of who he was, and not the whole.

The little boy known as Aslan Jade Callenreese had never expected to make it to be a teenager. The teenager named Ash Lynx had always believed he was too broken to ever be healed. Michael Paul Blanca had never expected to have more than his quiet but lonely life in Tokyo, one filled with the regret of what could have been. But all it had taken for all of that to change was the strength, faith, and love of one man, one pure, beautiful soul to believe in him, to never give up even when all had seemed lost.

And as his mind became veiled in peaceful sleep, the grown man named Aslan Jade Callenreese decided that he would wake to begin the first day of yet another reinvention not looking back, but forward.

_Fuck the statistics, fuck the odds, fuck whatever fate gave me. I am strong. I am healing. I am loved. I am worthy of being loved. I may never be without scars, but I have found the love within them._

_**And despite all, I fucking survived.** _

 

_~end~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was extremely difficult to write, and those who have been following know that it almost didn't happen at all. I'm still a bit uneasy about posting it, but thanks to the encouragement of those who commented here, I've finally completed this work. Thank you to everyone for sticking with me and for all your comments and kudos. <3


	6. A little note.

Before editing, this was a "dummy chapter" in which I explained why I wouldn't be finishing this story. At the time a combination of fandom discourse and real life things had left me in a really bad place, and I didn't at that time see myself being able to finish it. I'd been made to feel by the things I was seeing that fandom content in this vein was negatively affecting some CSA and SA survivors, and didn't want to contribute to that.

But I am editing this rather than deleting it because I wanted to save all the comments that were left here after I posted that encouraged me to finish it at some point. With positive comments from those who were reading this fic both here and on Twitter, along with stepping away from the part of the fandom that was getting too much into my head, over the last few days I found the motivation to write the final chapter of this fic and this series.

So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented here and elsewhere. I'm hoping to still go through and reply when I have the brainpower. Your words really did mean a lot and they helped me complete this story. I hope it was worth the wait. <3

\--HF

PS. Never underestimate the power your positive input on a creator's work can have. Ever.

**Author's Note:**

> And I'm back. After hearing about a few things that Akemi Yoshida has said in interviews about Ash and Eiji, in particular that she felt their relationship would have eventually turned sexual, this story idea started to form in my head. I'm expecting it to be a bit of a challenge to write, and it may be a bit of a challenge for some to read. But I have been intrigued by the idea of exploring how "my" Ash and Eiji have their growing pains and difficulties as they take their relationship to its final level, so I've decided to give it a shot.
> 
> The title of this story is taken from the song that inspired it in part, [Take Me As I Am](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkYYU5WoAx4) by David Cook.
> 
> The atmosphere I tried to create in Chapter 1 was inspired by the video for [Baby Don't Cry](https://youtu.be/8NKyeUpO_3I) by Namie Amuro, the [lyrics](https://lyricstranslate.com/en/baby-dont-cry-baby-dont-cry.html) of which are also appropriate in a few ways.
> 
> I'm at @AslanKatsuki on Twitter if you'd like to connect. :)


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